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Tale of a chronic relapser...

PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 1:27 pm
by highcostofliving
I drank this week, twice... another weekend with AA meetings and another weekend drinking. It feels like now that I started going to meetings, my drinking is picking up... what is wrong with me here? Has anyone else gone through this? Since trying to stay sober, I've been focusing on using slips as a learning process, another rung in the ladder to sobriety so to speak... but this revelation, has me baffled. Why isn't it working or helping... I feel like I'm missing something... like it's right there "trying to remember words to a song nobody wrote" Right now, I'm tired... tired of drinking, tired of obsessing over not drinking, tired of failure...

Maybe it's alcohol attacking back so to speak, trying to keep me in its clutches..... I sat at my desk after work yesterday in this internal battle... don't stop for beer/stop for beer.... knowing that whatever decision I made right there was it.... I made up my mind twenty (wasn't really counting) times... and finally... well, we know what won out....

Maybe I'm not being active enough..... I haven't found a sponsor, and honestly have no idea how to. I panic whenever asked to speak at a meeting and pass... I get serious anxiety about speaking or being asked to speak all week leading up to a meeting... (nobody has forced me or anything and they've all just let me say pass, but I still worry all week about it)... And for the life of me, I cannot figure out the Higher Power... I have spent more time than I care to admit, trying to pray, meditate, learn, focus, surrender... even forgive...

Bottom line - I can't stop. Not on my own. I know it. And I'm pretty lost on how to get there... I'm not tired of trying, but I sure am tired of failing.... thanks for reading.

Re: Tale of a chronic relapser...

PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 1:48 pm
by avaneesh912
if you read bills story, you will see your story in it. see what bill did on his 3rd visit to the hospital.

Re: Tale of a chronic relapser...

PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 1:52 pm
by Spirit Flower
It is more than going to a meeting. It is the psychic change brought about by the steps.

Also, sitting in meetings listening to people talk about drinking caused me to think about drinking alot more when I was new.

Re: Tale of a chronic relapser...

PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2017 6:30 am
by highcostofliving
Thanks guys.... you're all right of course, I have put a pause on working the steps..... I thought I couldn't work on them without a sponsor, and I've been trying to find one at the meetings.... of course I'm a fly on the wall, and I hate chit chat, so while I don't run out the door when the meeting is over I pretty much escape quickly.... I have volunteered to help clean up and stuff, but it's usually 5 people and one coffee pot...

Drinking, I think has isolated me for so long... I don't even know how to hold/start a conversation without a few drinks. I feel so uncomfortable just standing there, so rather than be that awkward silent guy that is unapproachable, I bail... which got me thinking:

The last time I passed the no drinking in public test was at a Seahawks game. It was before the game, my friends were getting drinks as we were all standing around talking, of course the day I was trying to quit, everyone was offering to buy... I said no... what stands out to me, was as we stood there, they were drinking, I was not... I remember feeling so awkward.... I almost got a drink, just so I could hold it. It's crazy what a crutch alcohol is... or has been in my life, where just standing without holding it in my hand feels wrong.

Re: Tale of a chronic relapser...

PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2017 6:38 am
by positrac
Once you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you will grow and change will be upon you. If you don't know or forgot, I will tell you that your lifestyle can kill you if you can't find the strength to change for the better. I am not just saying some scare tactic because I know of many people who could not grasp this simple program.

keep trying and fake it until you make it and you will surprise yourself if you just keep coming back.

have a better day.

Re: Tale of a chronic relapser...

PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2017 7:02 am
by highcostofliving
'sick and tired of being sick and tired'... thanks positrac. That is exactly how I feel.

And I know that wasn't a scare tactic you wrote... it's why I'm here. The reminder was welcomed.

Re: Tale of a chronic relapser...

PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2017 7:27 am
by Spirit Flower
I almost got a drink, just so I could hold it. It's crazy what a crutch alcohol is... or has been in my life, where just standing without holding it in my hand feels wrong.
get a coke!