How do I start...

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Re: How do I start...

Postby highcostofliving » Sat Sep 30, 2017 7:17 am

Cristy99 wrote:
Highcost wrote:
I have not hit rock bottom, and am not in a desperate situation... yet.


Exactly how I feel... for me it's like this looming shadow, somewhere out there. I've been able to 'moderate' of sorts since my daughter is born, never drinking at the house, or when I'm alone with her or even with my wife.... but when I get a night off (or create a night away), it's been all systems go... and as my daughter has gotten more self sufficient, I've managed to find more and more nights to stay away... I absolutely know at my core that if I don't do something, I'll be back to my old habits... it's a terrifying thought to me, I have a chance to avoid putting my family through hell, but up until now, I keep walking down that road... it's like there's a turn off at every step, yet I keep walking closer and closer to the cliff, telling myself I'll turn off on the next road, what kind of insane person would keep going towards the cliff...and now suddenly there's AA (and e-AA) and I've stopped walking.... and I almost feel more insane as I'm standing here, people with welcome arms and smiles willing to help guide me down the road, it's got sunshine and hills at the end... but keep looking over my shoulder, back towards the cliff.... and I somehow miss it... for some insane reason, I'm hesitant (even fearful) of the smiles, sunshine and hills, and the dark clouds and cliff seem more appealing.... at least now I'm aware of how insane that is!

That got away from me a little there, but hopefully the little ramble made some sense... thanks for reading!
,
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson
highcostofliving
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Re: How do I start...

Postby Cristy99 » Sun Oct 01, 2017 6:33 am

High Cost wrote:
... and I somehow miss it... for some insane reason, I'm hesitant (even fearful) of the smiles, sunshine and hills, and the dark clouds and cliff seem more appealing.... at least now I'm aware of how insane that is!

Wow! I think that is really profound, high cost. I see so many alcoholics who seem to have absolutely no idea they are alcoholic...denial. I believe denial is a self preservation reflex. For me it was, anyway. I once was saddened when I was treating a home health patient who was dying of a brain tumor. The family wanted me to perform extremely aggressive physical therapy with him. They were in denial so heavily that they really honestly could not see their son/brother was dying. I had never seen denial that strong, and have not seen it to that extent since. They were shocked when he died, hadn't been able to mentally prepare themselves. I digress. That was over 15 years ago and still chills me to the bone. The human brain is so amazing to go to such lengths to protect us from pain, or more accurately, what it perceives will be painful. The fear of change, turning my back on what was already familiar to me, seemed so overwhelming.
From your posts I am making the assumption that you are out of the denial phase. I think that is huge, my friend. I missed alcohol terribly at first, but that lessened over time and seemed to slowly be replaced with knowledge as I listened to my alcoholic peers and worked diligently through the 12 steps. Knowledge is power in my opinion. I never regretted going ALL in. It sounds like you are at the crossroads. What have you got to lose??? Dive in!! The water's great!!!


Spirit wrote:
As soon as you hit "pitiful incomprehensible demoralization" you are there. This has nothing to do with jobs or cars.


Spirit Flower!!!
That's it!!! I never made that connection!!! You would't believe the time I have spent wondering why I didn't have to be destitute before hitting bottom while so many of my peers did. I don't understand it, but I have always had a obsession with knowing the "why" of everything. The mental relief you just gave me is amazing!!!
Thanks so much!!

Hugs!!
"Talk doesn't cook rice."
~ Chinese proverb
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