Rock Bottom?

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Rock Bottom?

Postby LauraJ » Tue Jul 18, 2017 8:20 am

Unfortunately going to meeting won’t happen today as I can't face it alone and my friend can't support me tonight. It's ok, she's been sober for 2y now and used to be my drinking buddy.

I’m total wreck. I don't have real friends who to talk to. I feel that I did hit the total rock bottom. My dear husband has decided to keep his mind and leave me. Kicks me out. Have had enough. I’m already vulnerable after admitting out loud in social media that I’m alcoholic. I’m total mess due to my menopause. Then comes a bomb; “buying” me out of this marriage. Money doesn’t interest me. I don’t F*** car!

3 y ago (august 2014) I went first time to AA meeting. Then my love said that he doesn’t want me to quit alcohol, he loves when I’m tipsy. I just have to have portion control. Tried, succeed, tried, failed on and on, mainly failing.

Last September (2016) he got enough, wants me out. I just went on with my old habits: get shitwasted every weekend. New Year came, he wanted to give a chance. 2 weeks went well. Then came another weekend and I couldn’t keep myself sober. He went back to sleep in guest bedroom. I was a wreck. But still couldn’t keep myself out of going out, but didn’t do it so often.

He went to business trip end of February. Got into huge fight with his 17y old daughter (my stepdaughter) while there (visited our home country). While he was in transit on the way back he called to me by telling he has missed me and wants to give me another chance.

We started to work things out. Never talked in deep concern about my drinking even we went out together and I got shitfaced again in few occasions.

On Mid-Summer we went out together. Oh dear, he bought a bottle of vodka in a bar (as usual). That was it. Then in the morning I came into clarity that this can’t really continue anymore, not at all. 2,5 weeks went well. Then heard that good friend lost his dad and wanted to go to support him where he works on Tuesdays (hah, in the bar...) I thought that I could stay w/o alcohol. First 2 drinks were only diet cokes. Oh S***, then it hit me, yeah like I could only have one. End is history.

Today (my 6th day of sobriety) he came home from work and says that he needs to take a loan from bank because fixing the car (sudden problem) and said he will do it what he talked earlier (buying me out).

Is this now the rock bottom? F*** this feels like someone is using me as a rag to swipe the dirtiest floors. I’m crying uncontrollably, can’t stop. Is this it, 14y together ends to here.

Had already fear of failure due to realizing how huge my alcoholism is. Already feeling beaten. Having emotional rollercoaster due to menopause. And then comes the swipe which makes all even worst.

Even thinking to going into meeting is making me very anxious. 2014 in the few meetings it was just about higher power and god. I don’t believe in god nor higher power. I don’t want to be in religious meetings. I hope I can find help through this forum.
(I live in a country where are no separate AA- meetings for atheistic).
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Re: Rock Bottom?

Postby PaigeB » Tue Jul 18, 2017 8:42 am

Welcome to e-aa Laura. I am an atheist too and will celebrate 8 years in a couple of weeks. I have never been to anything but a regular AA meeting. Aka - never been to an atheist meeting. Here's how I see it... Since there is no god, these people are staying sober somehow no matter what they call it. I wanna find out what it is. AND I found out too! The 12 Steps. It is the only way to long term sobriety! When they talk about god, I use semantics - they say god, I hear Good Orderly Direction. As for prayer, I studied mediation and it is pretty darned effective. Studies of the brain show that prayer and meditation light up the same brain center in the same intensity, so give it a try.

I am sorry your friend can't make it to a meeting tonight. You will probably have to force yourself to go to a meeting at some point in your recovery, why not start today? I developed what I call "smart feet" that get me to do what I am supposed to (want to or need to) DO... My feet know better than my brain - which will always talk me into getting drunk if I give it too much room!

You can stay sober. If I can you can. Don't let anyone or anything convince you otherwise!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Rock Bottom?

Postby LauraJ » Tue Jul 18, 2017 9:00 am

I've still my Big Book from 2014. Been reading "We agnostics" chapter several times during this 6 days but can't get it. Maybe I'm just not ready yet to understand it.
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Re: Rock Bottom?

Postby Brock » Tue Jul 18, 2017 9:10 am

Welcome here Laura.

I don't know if they call it rock bottom, because it's often hard as rock to go through, but you certainly seem to have hit it.

I have met many who tried AA a few times before it 'worked,' I did about three times over a thirty year period, before finally admitting there was no other way out.

It does work amazingly well if we do what is asked, and the urge to drink just doesn’t exist anymore. Your story demonstrates what the book says in many places, they give stories to demonstrate, and say over and over, that we are without defense against the first drink. You tried many times and still could not stay away, so where is the power; to not only stay away, but to not even think about it in the first place; going to come from. You don't have the power, it's got to be someone higher than you, and even while you resist this higher power idea, you will accept it in time, you can't stay sober without it. You will also come to see, as Paige just said, that here and in meetings you may attend, in countries that have atheist meetings, many of these atheists end up at regular meetings. Maybe because the atheist meetings suck, maybe they just don't work, whatever the reason, atheists can and do recover, once they keep an open mind.

You are lucky to have a friend with 2years, I hope she has done the steps we speak about, some people say they have this and that amount of time, and in fact they are just 'white knuckling' it and fighting urges. Still her company to attend meetings I know will be welcome, and if she has done what is required for a real peaceful urge free contented sobriety, them she can help show you the way.

Others will no doubt be along to welcome you and offer their own words of advise, this thing is hard at first, but please believe it leads to a much better life.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Rock Bottom?

Postby LauraJ » Tue Jul 18, 2017 9:33 am

Thank you for these words. I need all the support and courafgement now specially when can't get it from home.
This is all so overwhelming, total wreck. Emotional support is none what I get now and that's what I need.

Regarding of my friend, she went through all 12 steps. She attended to meetings.
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Re: Rock Bottom?

Postby sideout » Tue Jul 18, 2017 10:33 am

Hi, Laura

Congratulations on 6 days!!! Keep it up :)

I am quite new to my sobriety at 56 days. Not sure I can offer as much as much support as some of the other "veterans" here.

You certainly have a lot going on and to think about.
I view it as a big positive that you have a friend with 2 years sobriety.
Try to seek her help and guidance as much as she is willing to give.
Perhaps another plus though not apparently at this time is your husband.
Seems he has given you a few chances. Perhaps with a more concerted effort on your part not all hope is lost in the relationship, his willing to give you another chance.
Me personally though, I doubt I could be in a relationship with a drinker.

Try to think of your other periods, 2014 and 2016, where you had some success in controlling your drinking and try to expand upon it.
Going to meetings (try not to be scared, we are all in the same boat and quite understanding) and most importantly, start reading, studying and working the steps in the AA Big Book.
But I used the term your past controlling your drinking... we can not control it, I for heck sure can not.
I have tried many times, different ways, and failed each time, eventually, getting back to my excessive drinking that again starts to ruin my life in all ways.

Try to remain positive. Seek if your husband is willing to support your efforts once again.
Get all the support and help you can from your friend with 2 years sobriety.
But... you have to do your part, the work.
If you have the desire, as the number of days of not drinking increase you realize more that the work really is not that hard... if you have a true desire.

I am loving my sobriety and finding it so much better a way to live life.
Perhaps a big factor is my finally coming to the resolve that I alone can not control my drinking. I can not have one drop.
Before after a time of sobriety I thought I could control and started drinking again. Starts as a "normal" drinker but eventually, rather quickly, builds to my previous excessive levels.

Don't give up, Laura

Wishing you all the best,

Joe
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Re: Rock Bottom?

Postby LauraJ » Tue Jul 18, 2017 10:53 am

Not sure I can offer as much as much support as some of the other "veterans" here.

Every support now is welcome. This is actually quite overwhelming how much support people are giving, including other sites. Community is so welcoming!
Perhaps another plus though not apparently at this time is your husband.
Seems he has given you a few chances. Perhaps with a more concerted effort on your part not all hope is lost in the relationship, his willing to give you another chance.
Me personally though, I doubt I could be in a relationship with a drinker.

I do understand why he is doing this. I don't know even if I could've stay this long... maybe it's time to move on.. I don't know, but I'm not ready for it. That's then the other story.
But I used the term your past controlling your drinking... we can not control it, I for heck sure can not.
I have tried many times, different ways, and failed each time, eventually, getting back to my excessive drinking that again starts to ruin my life in all ways.
I am loving my sobriety and finding it so much better a way to live life.
Perhaps a big factor is my finally coming to the resolve that I alone can not control my drinking. I can not have one drop.
Before after a time of sobriety I thought I could control and started drinking again. Starts as a "normal" drinker but eventually, rather quickly, builds to my previous excessive levels.

Now I know, that I can't control it. Once I take, I go with it. Exactly what F. Scott Fitzgerald once said:"First you take a drink... then the drink takes a drink...then the drink takes you." This describes exactly my drinking.
Don't give up, Laura

Never give up!

Thank you for your words. All this couragement is giving me the strength to stay strong.
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Re: Rock Bottom?

Postby PaigeB » Tue Jul 18, 2017 6:31 pm

LauraJ wrote:I've still my Big Book from 2014. Been reading "We agnostics" chapter several times during this 6 days but can't get it. Maybe I'm just not ready yet to understand it.

Well... I haven't really been able to "get it" either, but I think that is because I expect a certain something without being able to name it, I am not getting it - LOL. Try reading The Doctor's opinion & More about Alcoholism... Read the Appendix named The Spiritual Experience... Those are the ones that I "got".

Sometimes we have to focus on the things we have in common and wait on the rest. The rest will come to us in time and as we work with a sponsor and go to lots of different meetings & talk with other alcoholics. Please note that the 12th Step says, "... as the result of these steps...." We don't just get it ~ we work for it and practice it.

It works if you work it! Keep coming back!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Rock Bottom?

Postby LauraJ » Tue Jul 18, 2017 10:41 pm

Heureka!
I think I got it... it did hit me like a lighting during thunderstorm while at morning boot camp. Exercise & fitness will help me through this. My fitness level is shitty. But you can’t run a marathon unless you practice. And to gain fitness level from zero to marathon it means dedication, mind power, pushing through hardest… baby steps, bit by bit.
The feeling during extreme exercise, when feeling that world is spinning and you lose consciousness is also kinda like drunken buzz… and the feeling after exercise, oh the endorphins...
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Re: Rock Bottom?

Postby PaigeB » Wed Jul 19, 2017 11:13 am

The analogy is a good one! Being physically challenged, I liken it to playing a piece on the piano... work work work and practice practice practice... more work and practice and new goals and beautiful music. I have heard that running is a good time to meditate, so you can do some research on that!

We have a runner here on the Forums... Fella named Tosh... Maybe it is Mrs. Tosh that runs... anyway find him thru this thread viewtopic.php?f=25&t=17117&p=119128#p119128 just click on his name to send a private message or post to the thread...

It does work IF you work it! The 12 Steps that is...
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Rock Bottom?

Postby PaigeB » Wed Jul 19, 2017 11:21 am

PS - I started my meditation as memorization and recitation of the 12 Steps then of How it Works (as read at meetings). I also learned the prayers that way... meditation is the active practice of changing your mind from rambling thoughts to one word like Love or Peace... or a bunch of words like the 12 Steps.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: Rock Bottom?

Postby positrac » Wed Jul 19, 2017 1:55 pm

I was glad I was single when I hit the wall and had to slide down to the floor to catch my butt in order to see I was in a bad place with my life. I believe we can explain a lot of things and you can hear them and it just can't digest it yet because of the fog of drinking, sadness of current events and not knowing how to actually act now that you haven't been drinking via the default I know I had when I was out.

If you have a 24 hour chip? read the side that reads: To Thy Own self be True, That means you don't drink and yet you do make a effort to press on and learn to live and you can do this as survival is in our DNA.

Hopefully if you'd made it to a face 2 face meeting (s) then you and your friend can work to keep your mind out of the gutter on stuff you have no control over. All of that stuff mentioned in the very first post you have no control over and so the only control you have is on you.

I am old school of sorts because I got sober seriously in 1989 and I know how self pity feels and I know how low I felt when alcohol didn't work anymore. Our blood is red and we suffer from the disease of alcoholism and one day at a time we can learn to live different and also get better in the process. Maybe not the hope you had in mind and it is the only hope I have to offer because I know it works.

Hope your day(s) will become better and just don't try and control what you can't-------Good joke right; I know that is why I mentioned it. Someday you'll look back and chuckle and you'll know what I am talking about and today you might want to wring my neck.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
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Re: Rock Bottom?

Postby Roberth » Thu Jul 20, 2017 11:58 am

Hello Laura and welcome to E-AA, my name is Robert and I am a Los /Angeles area alcoholic. I wouldn’t get hung on the God thing. The word God takes so many of us right to the religion of are childhood. All you need is to follow the step with an open mind. The steps are a pathway to finding a power greater that ourselves, whatever that power may be. That can be anything from the super chief in the sky to a group of drunks.
At 25 twenty sober I am still using a group of drunks, (which is actually their collective conscience.) I use the word God for a couple of reasons. One is because I am lazy and god is one syllable drunk of drunks or Higher Power is 3 and 4 syllables. And the other reason I just got tired of people trying to push their god on me because I am an atheist.
Just one word of advice when you hear someone say it okay make a doorknob your Higher Power just remember I door knob will turn on you or at least the is what the oldtimers told me when I was new.
Robert
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Re: Rock Bottom?

Postby markseen » Sat Aug 05, 2017 8:31 am

Roberth wrote:Hello Laura and welcome to E-AA, my name is Robert and I am a Los /Angeles area alcoholic. I wouldn’t get hung on the God thing. The word God takes so many of us right to the religion of are childhood. All you need is to follow the step with an open mind. The steps are a pathway to finding a power greater that ourselves, whatever that power may be. That can be anything from the super chief in the sky to a group of drunks.
At 25 twenty sober I am still using a group of drunks, (which is actually their collective conscience.) I use the word God for a couple of reasons. One is because I am lazy and god is one syllable drunk of drunks or Higher Power is 3 and 4 syllables. And the other reason I just got tired of people trying to push their god on me because I am an atheist.
Just one word of advice when you hear someone say it okay make a doorknob your Higher Power just remember I door knob will turn on you or at least the is what the oldtimers told me when I was new.

Great advice you got there Roberth. I'm also new to AA and I consider myself non-religious but not atheist. However, I couldn't quite understand what you were trying to say about finding a power greater than ourselves and the doorknob thing.
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