Hello, familiar story and question

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Hello, familiar story and question

Postby missj1969 » Sat Jul 15, 2017 2:00 pm

Hi there, I'm Janice.

I'm sure I could post many things that would sound familiar to this group. I'll try to summarize my current situation and talk about a couple noteworthy things.

I've pretty deftly maneuvered my life to be completely isolated. I moved far away from my family (trouble there as much as support anyway). I got divorced. I pick fights with anyone who shows an iota of care for me and get written off or am the write off-ee. I work from home somewhat successfully so I need not venture into the world to find a better situation.

All that works well to maintain a fairly hefty drinking habit. Avoiding everyone and everything leaves all the time in the world to get drunk or be hungover.

So, I'm aware of, and frankly, comfy cozy with my problem. I see it, it's there. Something I'd like to work on, but easier to just have a drink. There are a few days a week that I don't drink, but have no illusion that that's a good thing, more so it just helps perpetuate the problem because I do have "normal" "functional" days in between the insanity.

I'm 48 and in my adult life I quit drinking once, for 1 year and 4 months. I did it with the help of a forum like this and as a new years resolution (I'm a little bit OCD so the starting fresh on 01/01 thing fit nicely for me.) It was a great year. Not that everything went well, stuff just didn't throw me so much. I was dancing in the rain rather than weathering the storm. Big surprise to me when 01/01 rolled around the next year and giving myself permission to drink again, I didn't even want to. And I didn't for 4 more months.

So for many years now (except that one year) I've danced this dance. No one seems to notice. I've mastered this charade. In fact I remember one christmas I got drinking paraphernalia from every family member (wine glasses, martini shaker, etc.) I remember thinking WTF, doesn't anyone give a S*** enough to notice!? I get the irony, I fool them and then get mad that they're fooled.

But of late there's some alarming stuff going on. In the last 3 months, several days I've spent all day in bed. I've never done that before. I've stopped taking care of myself; showering, laundry, exercise, pedicures, etc. Also, I'm actively planning to disappear. Like I've been thinking about how to get rid of all my stuff so my family doesn't have to deal with it when I'm gone. So I know what I'm dealing with is acute depression and suicidal thoughts bolstered by unchecked alcoholism. It's amazing to watch my own demise from the sidelines. I understand what crazy feels like now.

So, I realize I'm at a precipice and I can just tip over and blink out, or I can give it one more fight. That's why I'm here. No doubt a meeting regimen would be a great help. But I'm having trouble taking that step out of anonymity. I know the meetings are anonymous, but not really. I'll be around real people, they'll see me, they'll see right through me. That thought is terrifying. For some reason it feels less terrifying if I connect online first. So, my question is, does anyone know of a localized forum type thing where I can meet people online in my area before I go to a meeting? I'm in Santa Cruz CA.

Thank you all for reading and please know I appreciate you very much.

J.
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Re: Hello, familiar story and question

Postby clouds » Sun Jul 16, 2017 7:16 am

Welcome miss J :D

I don't think you could meet someone from a forum but you could meet someone from AA before going to a meeting. Just call up Alcoholics Anonymous and tell them you would like to meet someone before you go to a meeting.

By the way I'm still an introvert who doesn't enjoy socializing and I work from home, very isolated, in fact I keep moving to countries where I have to learn the language and so that is even more isolating! Yet, there is nowhere I feel more at home than at an AA meeting and I have many years sober from doing the 12 step AA program.
I'd say that at this point you have nothing to lose, give it a go!
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Hello, familiar story and question

Postby PaigeB » Sun Jul 16, 2017 10:52 am

You could search for telephone meeting with the same area codes in your city or in your state, but... I think that you will find exactly what you need if you go to a few meetings online and then just walk into an AA meeting. We are more alike than we are different, unless you are interested in which football teams people prefer :wink:

Check out e-aa's other venues http://www.e-aa.org/talk.php

Check out all the online/phone/email meetings http://aa-intergroup.org/directory.php

Then search aasantacruz dot org
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: Hello, familiar story and question

Postby beginningagain7 » Mon Jul 17, 2017 7:38 am

I would suggest that you find a sponsor, we have temp sponsor venue here which you are able to use. When also have chat meetings that you can go to.

Isolating yourself in not really going to help you to recovery. You should stop putting yourself down or think that people are thinking bad stuff with you. It doesn't matter if people do not realize that you have stop drinking. The important thing is that you know, and that you want a healthy life.
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Re: Hello, familiar story and question

Postby Duke » Mon Jul 17, 2017 12:54 pm

Welcome Janice. I don't know anyone who woke up one day and thought what a brilliant idea it would be to go to an AA meeting. I was scared at my first one, and prepared to walk out the minute they proved my fears coming in to be correct. Fortunately, they didn't and haven't.

This is a great place to come, but there's nothing that can replace face to face contact with other alcoholics. I hope you find a way to take that step at some point.

Good luck to you.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: Hello, familiar story and question

Postby missj1969 » Wed Jul 19, 2017 2:49 pm

Thank you all for your replies! I'll carefully consider the suggestions here and hopefully work up the courage to take that step soon. I'm getting to the point where anything is better than what's going on even if things don't go so well.

Thank you!
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