Hi. I'm new and scared.

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Hi. I'm new and scared.

Postby Ls3141 » Wed Jul 12, 2017 1:16 pm

Hi.

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right area so I apologise if so.

I'm not sure if this site is what I need but feel like I need to express my feelings as I cannot talk to anyone.

I don't think I'm an alcoholic. But at times I wonder if I am.

My dad died from being an alcoholic 10 years ago (when I was 25) and I spent my whole childhood looking after him (my mum died when I was 4) so always swore to myself I would never become one as I didn't have a childhood. It was a horrific experience.

I drink every day and I hide it. I can't believe I'm actually saying this out loud.

Since the new year being honest I've probably not drank for 4 or 5 days.

It's not that I feel like I need to drink as I don't. I want to drink. I live on my own so have always put it down to boredom.

It's only been the last month or so I've started to worry that I might have a problem. I think though I'm just scared due to my dad. I did have a blood test two months ago (for other reasons) and my liver and kidney etc were fine.

Being honest I drink 2 bottles of wine a night now. It doesn't get me drunk. Just makes me feel merry. I think my tolerance has built up over the last two years.

The thing that has made me doubt myself is that if one of my friends wants to come and see me at night I always make excuses as I know I want to drink when I get home from work and I can't if they're here.

That's not right is it?

I'm sure I could easily go without drink I just choose to drink. Am I in denial? Is it my dad that's making me worry for no reason or am I taking after him?

There's also so much S*** I've been through as a child which I don't want to mention and my counsellor years ago said I've been struggling to block it out so maybe subconsciously that's what I'm doing?

Anyway I feel like I've said too much! But it feel easy to a stranger. I'd never say this to a friend.
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Re: Hi. I'm new and scared.

Postby avaneesh912 » Wed Jul 12, 2017 5:59 pm

I don't think I'm an alcoholic. But at times I wonder if I am.


Good test is, try staying stopped. If you can't, you are an alcoholic.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Hi. I'm new and scared.

Postby ezdzit247 » Wed Jul 12, 2017 7:11 pm

Hi Ls3141 and welcome.

Both of my parents were alcoholics and I too swore I'd never become the kind of alcoholics they were. In a way I didn't. I did become an alcoholic, just not like them, and I was able to make the decision to stop drinking and recover before my alcoholism led me to jails, mental institutions, and death. I am grateful to both of them today because they showed me the reality of where this drinking thing leads whether we want to go there or not.

Have you ever been to an AA meeting?
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Re: Hi. I'm new and scared.

Postby positrac » Thu Jul 13, 2017 2:30 am

I could easily go without drink I just choose to drink


So what have you learned from doing this? You wake up feeling resentful at another failed attempt to not let the drink control you?

Go into a meeting and sit and listen and see if anyone in the rooms has a story you can relate with and then speak to them after the meeting and learn more about alcoholism.

We all can relate to points in your post and fear of being scared is real and you can overcome that sensation once you've come to terms with your position with the drink.

Keep coming back it'll get better.
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Re: Hi. I'm new and scared.

Postby Roberth » Thu Jul 13, 2017 11:56 am

Hello Ls3141 and welcome to E-AA. My name is Robert and I am a Los Angeles area alcoholic. I didn’t see that you wanted to stop drinking in your post anywhere. AA does care if you are alcoholic or not only that you want to stop. If you are here to find out if you are alcoholic here a chapter out of our book that you might try.

“We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.”
Robert
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Re: Hi. I'm new and scared.

Postby Brock » Thu Jul 13, 2017 12:23 pm

Welcome here. I will put up some links to AA literature, these are self explanatory by their titles. In the chapters from the big book under 'There Is A Solution,' if you go to pages 20 & 21, you will find a good description of what AA considers an alcoholic.

Please keep in mind, that although you may not have all of the symptoms described, you may well be heading there. And if you cannot live happily without alcohol, AA has a solution for that, there is a lot of suffering some of us go through before admitting defeat, probably every one of us wishes we had stopped long before we actually did.

Is A.A. For You – 12 Questions.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for ... can-answer

A Brief Guide To AA.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-42_abriefguidetoaa.pdf

Three Chapters From The Big Book-

1.The Doctors Opinion.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbo ... pinion.pdf

2.There Is A Solution.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt2.pdf

3.More About Alcoholism.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

A.A. Meeting Finder.
A.A. Near You.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
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Re: Hi. I'm new and scared.

Postby Mike O » Sat Jul 15, 2017 4:21 am

Ls3141 wrote:The thing that has made me doubt myself is that if one of my friends wants to come and see me at night I always make excuses as I know I want to drink when I get home from work and I can't if they're here.

That's not right is it?



No, I don't believe it is...and I am not judging you...just relating what you said there to my own experience.

I was exactly like that. Anything or anybody that might interfere with my drinking, I resented.
I avoided any situations in which I might not be able to drink if I wanted to.

Have a read of the book Alcoholics Anonymous, aka the Big Book, and use the links Brock posted above. Come back and tell us what you think.
By the way, welcome to the group.
:)
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Re: Hi. I'm new and scared.

Postby Noels » Sat Jul 15, 2017 1:01 pm

Ls3141 wrote:Hi.

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right area so I apologise if so.

I'm not sure if this site is what I need but feel like I need to express my feelings as I cannot talk to anyone.

I don't think I'm an alcoholic. But at times I wonder if I am.

My dad died from being an alcoholic 10 years ago (when I was 25) and I spent my whole childhood looking after him (my mum died when I was 4) so always swore to myself I would never become one as I didn't have a childhood. It was a horrific experience.

I drink every day and I hide it. I can't believe I'm actually saying this out loud.

Since the new year being honest I've probably not drank for 4 or 5 days.

It's not that I feel like I need to drink as I don't. I want to drink. I live on my own so have always put it down to boredom.

It's only been the last month or so I've started to worry that I might have a problem. I think though I'm just scared due to my dad. I did have a blood test two months ago (for other reasons) and my liver and kidney etc were fine.

Being honest I drink 2 bottles of wine a night now. It doesn't get me drunk. Just makes me feel merry. I think my tolerance has built up over the last two years.

The thing that has made me doubt myself is that if one of my friends wants to come and see me at night I always make excuses as I know I want to drink when I get home from work and I can't if they're here.

That's not right is it?

I'm sure I could easily go without drink I just choose to drink. Am I in denial? Is it my dad that's making me worry for no reason or am I taking after him?

There's also so much S*** I've been through as a child which I don't want to mention and my counsellor years ago said I've been struggling to block it out so maybe subconsciously that's what I'm doing?

Anyway I feel like I've said too much! But it feel easy to a stranger. I'd never say this to a friend.



Hi Ls and welcome to e-aa :D You posted in the correctly indicated area - The Newcomers forum and we are happy to offer our experience with you.
I remember when I was still actively drinking – I also happened to be a wine drinker - and found the amount of wine I could consume in a drinking cession also increased over time. I was more of a binge drinker but towards the end the periods in between my drinking days decreased – whereas it used to be once a month it went into once a week and finally into every second or third day. By that time and even before that time if I recall correctly I was already ashamed that I could not “control my drinking”. I also remember coming up with “excuses” the following day for trying to cover the nonsense I got up to the previous evening or for not being in mint condition the next day at work and yes, eventually I wouldn’t make any plans in advance with friends or others because I was never sure whether I was going to end up drinking on that day and be “oiled up” by the time we met.

I remember feverishly denying that I could possibly be an alcoholic simply because I had a “screwed-up version” of what an alcoholic is. You know …. To me an alcoholic was that homeless person or person “lying” at home doing nothing but drink from morning til noon. Perhaps if I was better informed of what an alcoholic really is that knowledge could have saved me many years of pain, suffering and guilt so if you’ll bear with me I’ll share with you what an alcoholic really is ….

An alcoholic is someone who have a two-fold disease – firstly our bodies function different to the average person on the inside – in simple words, we are allergic to alcohol in that every drink we take create a reaction in our bodies that causes a “craving” for the same amount of liquor that we’ve just put into our body. So when I drank 1 glass of wine my body automatically – because of the allergy – already craved a glass of wine. When I had a second glass of wine my body automatically already craved two glasses of wine. This allergy is similar to lets say an allergy to peanuts with the difference that the physical symptom is to have more of what we’ve put in in equal amounts - rather than appear as a “breakout” or “rash” on the outer physical. The second part of the disease is called a “spiritual malady” or in simpler words “block of spirit”. So being unable to “control” my drinking was not because I didn’t want to, intentionally proceeded to have two bottles of wine per occasion or because I was a “bad”, undisciplined or “spineless” person, no, it was because I had an illness which the ordinary person (and myself at that time) did not know enough about.

I also relate to your feeling of not needing a drink. I have then and still say i enjoyed the taste of the particular wine I drank and hated the “feeling” that alcohol gave me.

Ive heard in the rooms that an alcohol dependency / addiction could be inherited but can not personally admit or deny that since my parents were not alcoholics.

As another member already shared we are unable to determine whether another is an alcoholic. My best suggestion to you would be to google and find the nearest AA meeting to you, to attend that and / other meetings and to just sit and listen to the speakers sharing their stories with the group. Listen with the idea of finding similarities in the drinking pattern / behaviour of the sharer rather than comparing your drinking pattern / behaviour to the speakers since alcoholism is a progressive disease and nobody enter the rooms in the same “stage” of alcoholism.

I hope this help and wish you all the best. Please feel free to post further if we can be of more assistance to you.

With Love and Light
Xxx Noels
There is only Love
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Re: Hi. I'm new and scared.

Postby Timothy3012 » Tue Aug 29, 2017 12:02 am

'I don't think I'm an alcoholic. But at times I wonder if I am.'

Hey,

Just wanted to post a quick reply to the above quote...

It took me around 6 months within AA to finally accept I was an alcoholic. I was actively going through the steps and following all the suggestions that were given to me by my sponsor, but something in me still just couldn't fully accept it! I was't even entirely sure I wanted to stop drinking; all I was sure about was that I needed the pain and misery of my life, as it then was, to stop.

While in this 6 months of 'not-sure-purgatory', I heard someone mention on a share the following;

'If you're still not sure you're an alcoholic, get a sponsor and give the 12 steps a go. If you're not an alcoholic, then all you will miss is a couple months of drinking (which wouldn't really matter much to a non-alcoholic!)...but if you are an alcoholic, you might just save your life.'

I am no doubts about my alcoholism today (coming up to a year sober). Those doubts have vanished, for me, mostly because I can answer these questions from the big book;

1) When you drink do you have little control over how much you take? - for me, yes, I have very little control over how much I take. I honestly could not tell you if I was going to stop at any certain amount after I had started to drink. Sometimes I could stop at 2 bottles of wine, or just a third of a bottle of whiskey...other times I couldn't remember how much I drank because I blacked out!

2) When you stop drinking, can you stay stopped? - I can't stay stopped very long without AA. I could manage periods of not drinking - 4 weeks here, 6 days there...I once managed to stay stopped 6 weeks on my own steam. The problem was, there would always come the time when I genuinely believed drinking was in my own best interest! My mind would usually convince me that I was going to have a nervous breakdown if I didn't get a drink, or, I wouldn't even think about it and just start drinking again.

I also am not in any doubts because I've spent a lot of time with other alcoholics within AA and I seem to think like them. Before AA (and still today at times!); A resentment against someone could completely ruin my entire week. I was hyper-sensitive and always felt I was doing something wrong - even when I wasn't! I had zero self esteem and always put myself down...

Identifying with other people's thinking isn't a definite test of alcoholism, however, but it really has helped me to let go of those final lingering doubts I was holding onto.

I pray that if you are one of us you can eventually see it and accept it. It truly is the best thing I've ever realised about myself. I am an alcoholic who has been given recovery and a design for living that REALLY works!

God bless and all the best,

Tim.
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Re: Hi. I'm new and scared.

Postby Cristy99 » Thu Aug 31, 2017 3:55 pm

Hello Ls3141 and welcome!!!

Please do not be afraid that you said too much. This is a very safe place where no one AND I MEAN NO ONE will ever judge you for the things you have done!! We have all done some really unbelievable "stuff" in our disease.

I agree with many who have already posted. First things first!!! You need to find out if you ARE, in fact, an alcoholic. It's a pretty simple test. Take the suggestions of Ananeesh912 and Roberth for starters. If you are able to do these things with no problemo, then you are probably NOT an alcoholic. But if you struggle, even a little, you might need some help. Ask yourself after your experiment, "Did I have any trouble just putting it down? Was I thinking...well I can't let it go to waist?!? One more won't hurt, will It? Did I start to get really pissed off when I knew it was time to stop???" Were you saying to yourself, "Geez tomorrow!!! Hurry up and get here so I can have my wine!!!"

I hope you are not one of us. If you are, it is not the end of the world and hats off to you for catching it early, before you have destroyed everything. Here's the good news!! AA is free AND IT WORKS IF YOU DO THE WORK!!!!

One more thing..... I believe you said your dad was an alcoholic. It is fairly common for a child of an alcoholic to become an alcoholic. Yes, a scary thought, but I say this only because I want you to know that some are not born alcoholics. Some keep drinking until they cross an invisible line into alcoholism. There is a lot to it, but this has been scientifically proven through studies performed on brains. So if you're not an alcoholic, make a mental note to remember the trials you do so that if you gradually start to NEED the alcohol, hopefully you will recognize the signs.

Hugs!!
We are here for you!!
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