First AA meeting

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First AA meeting

Postby Picklesmiagi39 » Mon Jan 16, 2017 1:22 pm

Hi everyone, my name is Heather and I have recently (finally) admitted to myself that I am in fact not in control of my drinking but the other way around. I'm 29 and have 3 beautiful children 9, 7 and 2. I did the whole party thing when I got out of high school but got pregnant shortly after at the height of my partying. I stopped drinking when I was pregnant but resumed my ways within a year with the mindset of "my party days got cut short so I deserve to live a little still." Enter my, now ex, huband. We got married after a couple months of dating, he joined the military, I got pregnant with #2 and I found myself being a stay at home mom for the first time in my life. After my second was born I found myself drinking more. I never drank during the day but once the kids were in bed I would almost always drink a lot and more times than not, not remember going to bed. It stayed that way for a good few years and I had the mindset that I was always in control of my drinking. I had my third kid in 2014, was sober throughout the pregnancy then went back at it again afterwards. This time I started to have a couple glasses of wine during the day. I should mention that I battle with anxiety pretty bad and it seems like the worse my anxiety got throughout the years, the worse my drinking was. Shortly after my third was born my husband and I divorced and I moved back to my home state with the kids. He followed and we have 50/50 custody. I started drinking a lot more during the days once I moved and it's gone downhill from there. I usually was able to just maintain a steady buzz throughout the day to help get me through them but not enough so anyone thought I was drinking. On the days I didn't have the kids though, I was usually drunk all day. This has been going on over the last 2 years and I find myself not being able to go a day without at least a buzz and am waking up most mornings feeling like crap and drinking right away again so I don't have to deal with the hangover. I have a boyfriend that has moved in with me about 6 month ago and it's gotten even worse since then. I've gotten super sneaky about reasons I need to go to the store or my sister needing me to give her a ride somewhere at 10 pm just so I can go buy one of those little boxed wine things and chug it before going back home. With him living with me though, it was inevitable that I would slip up enough and he would mention his concern. About 2 months ago I finally broke down and talked to him about how i feel like Ive lost all control and how bad it was scaring me. This was big because no one has ever really confronted me about my drinking and I sure as hell never admitted to anyone that I had a problem. It felt good that it was all out in the open and he wanted to help me become sober. I felt so optimistic about quitting and not having to do it on my own. I went a week without drinking then decided I was going to have one mini wine box (about 3 glasses of wine) and stop at that. I did (never told him) then went 5 more days before I decided I was going to have another one. I had the one, it felt great, decided to have another then ended up very drunk at the end of the day. Woke up hungover and ashamed so I went and got more to avoid the hangover day and not have to deal with the feelings of embarrassment and shame. Drinking is my emotional shut off switch. Decided to try again after a couple days and the cycle has repeated now for these last couple months. I'm so tired of living like this and my kids deserve better. I'm very much an introvert so I've been having so much anxiety about going to an AA meeting. I know I need to change something though because I can't do this on my own but I want to be and remain sober so bad. I feel like I'm going to talk myself out of going to a meeting because of fear and the unknown.
So I think it would help if I could hear some first time stories.
Also, sorry for the novel but I've been trying to keep my mind off of getting in the car and buying some wine while my boyfriend is at work. I'm 4 days sober right now and I want to try and go to a meeting tonight.
Thank you for your responses in advance
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Re: First AA meeting

Postby Spirit Flower » Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:03 pm

Thanks for sharing Heather. Hope you get to that meeting. You will find other people who understand what it is like to lose control of drinking.
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Re: First AA meeting

Postby Reborn » Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:23 pm

Welcome to takes alot of courage to write those things about yourself. I know the anxiety you're feeling...if anyone tells you they weren't nervous before their first meeting they are most likely lying to you. Now all that being said from what I've read here it seems to me that you just might be willing to accept the solution that AA offers. I'm not going to go into any stories here but I will tell you that I have been in and have felt the same way you do at this moment. But I have taken actions in AA I didn't believe in at first and have gotten results I can't deny. Don't let fear of the unknown keep you from a good life...nothing changes if nothing changes.
We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. BB pg 132
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Re: First AA meeting

Postby Duke » Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:37 pm

Welcome Heather. My feeling of wearing a clown hat quickly disappeared at my first meeting as I was welcomed and people greeted me.

Our program is an answer to your dilemma. Don't put off checking it out. It'll be one of the best decisions you'll ever make.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: First AA meeting

Postby Brock » Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:37 pm

Welcome here. As Reborn said, this fear of our first meeting is a very common one, and often bought up by new members here, it might or might not help to say that they always come back and say that it was fine, and wonder why they were worried.

But as you mentioned the anxiety most of us alcoholics suffer from is part of that problem, I had a few drinks anytime I had to be in a room with strangers, even when I first started drinking, eventually I needed drinks to be in a room even alone.
Drinking is my emotional shut off switch.

Well said, applies to us all. AA and specifically the steps of the program, provide us with a different shut off switch, and please believe it works to the extent that we don't feel the urge to drink at all.

Now that meeting. Typically a mixed group more male than female, sitting drinking coffee or tea. Most times we advise you try a few groups in the area, all vary and so you find the best fit for you, (there may be a ladies only group for example). So these folks welcome you , but there is no pressure, you don't need to talk, if you like just say Hi I am Heather and I just want to listen. Nothing to sign no promises to make, we come and go as we please, you will be fine. Please give it a try, you have nothing to worry about, best of luck.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: First AA meeting

Postby porcupine » Mon Jan 16, 2017 4:33 pm

Hey Heather! I went to my first meeting about a year ago. It was a bit strange for me at first, but as soon as the group realised I was new they were nothing but amazing. I had people I didn't know immediately offer their support, give me their phone number and share their experience. I found people that were on the same path as me, had gone a lot further down the hole, and were there with varying years of sobriety alive to tell the story. Best of all, they seemed normal and happy about not drinking!
I found a fairly small group nearby with about 10-20 regular people attending. I am still in contact with a number of the members daily and I also made friends with a few people who came into the rooms at the same time as myself.
I also had the anxiety that is talked about in the thread. Worse than what I had realised, because by the end I was always drunk when I met people. The anxiety went away for me especially once I started to see a few familiar faces.
Be brave and give it a go. It is the most incredible program and I'm endlessly grateful for having it given to me.

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Re: First AA meeting

Postby positrac » Tue Jan 17, 2017 3:12 am

Welcome, and just try to remember that change is never fun when you are backed into a corner. If you keep coming back and just remember this is about you and getting sober it will become easier in time and you'll see a difference. We've all experienced similar feelings like you and you aren't unique.

Have a better day.
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Re: First AA meeting

Postby thebowsie » Wed Jan 18, 2017 11:50 am

Hi Heather. I'm not positive that hearing the "drunk-a-logs" of others at this point would be of assistance. What you need to know is that the Program of AA does work and at one time all of us - no matter the length of sobriety - were all new to the AA Program. Check out a few meetings - you don't even have to say anything - just listen. Accepting the fact that I was an alcoholic was pretty darn obvious as I was Stage 4. I had to detox medically and believe me - you don't want your drinking to take you down that particular road. The disease of alcoholism is a progressive disease - it just gets worse; never better. The only way to arrest the disease obviously is to stop drinking. To improve your life while staying sober will take a bit of work on your part. As of April 12, 2017 I will celebrate 18 years of continuous sobriety. How? I didn't drink and I didn't die. The overall program of AA is a design for living and breaks it down into 12 Steps with the first step being the most important.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable." Step One

The only thing you need to do right now is no matter what - don't drink. Sit on Step One. The choice is yours. If you are experiencing medical issues while withdrawing from alcohol, go see your doctor and let him/her know. Medically speaking, they may be of assistance. There are people out there that can help and the effort you take to ask for help will only help you. It's easier said that done - but once you ask for the help; it will be there for you and the relief you feel may equate with the relief you felt talking to your boyfriend. I can't stress enough to you that there are millions of people that have continuous sobriety and my message to you is it can be done. A big AA saying is "One Day At A Time" but when I was newly sober it was one minute, hour, day at a time. No one person has all of the answers; not all AA's are correct with their assessments of others when they share; however, without sobriety, your life path will become more difficult. If you decide on sobriety - do it for yourself. Go to a few meetings - try it out and just listen. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.
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