Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

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Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby essgee » Mon Jan 09, 2017 11:55 pm

Well, step one is complete.

I am powerless.
I never really thought I was an alcoholic, until I tried to stop drinking.
I am away at a kid themed resort with my kids right now (single mom). It was a Christmas gift I got for them.
11 days now. Made it another 24.
This is tough. Really tough. There is a giant bar by the wave pool. I keep
Seeing people with their beer, their fruity drinks. "Maybe I can have just one".
Except I know that's a lie. I'll have one, that will turn into 12 and before you know it mom's drunk and the vacation is ruined. I'll be hungover and cranky and tired and miserable then drunk again..
I know this. And it's what's stopping me from having "just one".
I am listening to them laugh and play - and just seeing the joy in their eyes should carry me through. But I am
In the early stages of my sobriety and this is HARD RIGHT NOW!!! My kids are oblivious, I am smiling and speaking softly and really keeping myself in check here. I won't let my sickness ruin this for them.
Had I known I was going to decide to quit drinking I probably wouldn't have planned for and paid for all of this months ago. But I did, and dammit I'm going to do this and spoil my kids. They deserve it.
I'm gonna power through. I can I can I can.

I never knew I was an alcoholic until I admitted I might be an alcoholic.
Since we are out of town (and in a hotel!) I can't very well attend a meeting.
I will try and call someone from my group tomorrow, but right now it's 2am and I can't sleep and I needed to
Vent!!

I will make it another 24.
Putting this stubbornness to good use, for once in my life.
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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby Duke » Tue Jan 10, 2017 1:58 am

I'm so glad you shared that essgee. Do you have any program literature or audio with you? It might help to read or listen to something program related or spiritual while you're attending the kids. I know I carried something with me just about everywhere for my down time during the first few years.

The good news is that if you stick with it and work through the steps and embark on this new way of living, at some point you'll realize that alcohol no longer has any pull on you. I know it may be hard to imagine, but it's true. That's not to say that you won't still have rough days or challenges, just that you won't be in danger of drinking over them anymore.

Right now, you're the greatest gift you can ever give the your kids and yourself. Don't give up. We're here to trudge with you.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby positrac » Tue Jan 10, 2017 3:06 am

You are in the right place and I hope you'll keep coming back. This process takes a lot of time and habits die hard and you are like I was in my own way when I realized I had to actually make effort to stay sober. The sober stork didn't drop me off into never drink land and so I had to learn and follow the steps. :oops:

if I may suggest: DO THIS FOR YOU <------ Not yelling I am just expressing that if you do this for any other reason it might not end like you'd hope. Because you do if for you then your kids will be taken care of because you'll be taking care of them. Simple program for complicated people is really is what is at stake.


have a better day and smile.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby Blue Moon » Tue Jan 10, 2017 4:14 am

essgee wrote:I never really thought I was an alcoholic, until I tried to stop drinking.

That's how it was for me also. I did say "I think I'm alcoholic" before, but didn't grasp the reality of what this truly means until I seriously tried to quit.

This is tough. Really tough.

I suggest keeping well-hydrated with soft drinks / water (keep thirst at bay), sugary snacks (your body is physically craving the sugar in alcohol), and keeping the mind busy with other stuff so it doesn't obsess so much about how much fun you think others are having (reading, music, or maybe go do something else).
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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby Spirit Flower » Tue Jan 10, 2017 6:24 am

go online and look for XA Speakers. Listen to these by the pool and anywhere else.
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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby tomsteve » Tue Jan 10, 2017 6:55 am

"Since we are out of town (and in a hotel!) I can't very well attend a meeting."

ive vacationed 5 times in recovery. sayed in hotels for of them times and rented a house the other. each and every time I was able to find a meeting I could attend.

you sure this isn't a copout for not hittin a meetings? maybe denial talkin?
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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby Spirit Flower » Tue Jan 10, 2017 8:15 am

Likely that a single mom with 3 kids at a resort can't leave the kids and go to a meeting. Normal day care options are not available.
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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby Noels » Tue Jan 10, 2017 8:27 am

There are usually babysitters available. Especially at a hotel geared towards children. Essgee must just enquire at reception and they will find a reliable babysitter for her. These ladies are usually ladies who either work in the kiddies programs during the day or have been used by the hotel before.

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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby clouds » Tue Jan 10, 2017 9:14 am

Hi essgee! Your capacity to be honest about your alcoholism is the main quality required for successful recovery.

Welcome to e-AA! Listening to a aa speaker on Xaa speakers will get you through this difficult time. Then meetings are waiting for you once you return home.

Nice to see another mom sobering up!
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby Lali » Tue Jan 10, 2017 10:11 am

11 days is awesome! I know it's got to be tough sitting there watching others drink. We have all been in similar situations. So congratulate yourself on 11 days and continue to build on that. The good news is it WILL get easier. If you work this simple program, the day will come when you will have no thoughts whatsoever of a drink. I know that is true because that's where I am at now. As one of the ninth step promises says, I am now free from the bondage of alcohol.

As others have said, stay connected to the program by listening to XA speakers and reading through these forums. Make that phone call to someone in your group back home. And see if the hotel offers babysitting services so that you may attend a meeting.

And know that we are here for you.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your vacation.
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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby essgee » Tue Jan 10, 2017 11:41 am

Thank you all so much.
The hotel does offer babysitting, it costs an arm and a leg. And yes, as a single mom I do not have an arm and a leg to spare.
We leave here tomorrow morning and first order of business when I get home is to get to a meeting!!
I've been poolside all morning and managed to make it this far. The rest of the day will follow. SOBER.
I have spoken to a group friend (old timer) and brought my big book with me.
So smart to suggest the online listening, I listen to those all the time before bed at home. Don't know why I didn't think of that!! I can steal my sons earphones and do that tonight.
This forum also helps.
We're only here for the two nights. All alcoholics know, this is like our Mecca.
Hotel room, lounging and alcohol.

This is typical for me though. I always like to make things harder for myself lol :)
Anyway. 11 and a HALF days sober !!

Thank you all so much for the support. It really, really helps!!
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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby Noels » Tue Jan 10, 2017 1:28 pm

Well done Essgee :D youre doing great! After this its gonna be a walk in the park for you. Keep it up!
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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby Lali » Tue Jan 10, 2017 1:34 pm

So happy for you that you have been able to stay sober in such difficult circumstances. At 11 days - sorry, 11 1/2 days - I imagine that it would have been pretty tough, sitting in such close proximity to other people drinking. :D
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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby essgee » Tue Jan 10, 2017 2:15 pm

Thank you.
This has been eye opening for me in terms of my addiction, I will take that away from this experience. I look around at all the other parents, even the ones drinking, and I imagine (although I don't know) that they are simply enjoying their experience at the resort, not obsessing over alcohol - the way I am.
I'm at a really nice hotel, with so many fun activities, no cooking no cleaning... a real break for me. And I'm so preoccupied with alcohol. It's really unfortunate, but it's the eye opener that I needed.

I really do have an alcoholic mind. Newly sober, I'm in shock here. I knew I drank way too much, but I always had a reason or justification. I made sense to me.

I do feel some mental relief, now that I know for sure. Without a doubt. I am an alcoholic.
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Re: Denial is powerful & eating at me right now

Postby thebowsie » Thu Jan 12, 2017 6:09 pm

One Day At A Time. Days generate from minutes and hours. Sit on Step One and no matter what - just don't drink. On April 12, 2017 I will celebrate 18 years of sobriety. When newly sober, I would listen to folks in meetings - see the chips being taken for various lengths of sobriety and say ya sure. The fact is - now at almost 18 years, I'm sure there are people out there that say, ya sure. It is possible. My husband will celebrate 31 years of sobriety on 1/14/17 and he was 30 years old when he got sober. Both of us - each with our individual time never felt it necessary to take a drink after our 24 hour chip. I won't lie - for me it was a dam hard especially since I was a Stage 4 Alcoholic. With the help of doctors - they had told me to drink again was to die. My liver repaired itself after two years. I guess what I am trying to say is you don't have to go there.

Just hang on to Step One and when the time is right you will progress on to Step Two, etc. It has been my experience that when people fly though the steps after their fog lifts, it generally doesn't take too well. Attend meetings to the best of your ability or just use this forum - which by the way I am new to posting on. When I got sober, there were no forums such as these so for AA's this is pretty awesome.

I don't attend meetings so much anymore (the last one I went to was a year ago to give my husband his 30 year chip.) When first sober, I attended meetings daily for about the first year and a half. For the first year, I said nothing - just my name and that I was an alcoholic. While it drove the AA's in the rooms nuts since they couldn't get their new person fix - for me it worked as it gave me the opportunity to listen. My uncle (who was an AA circuit speaker here in the USA) told me to sit down, be quiet since a person with one day more of sobriety knew better how to stay sober. I listened and I think I first spoke when I received my one year chip. Again, this is what I did and I am not recommending just sharing.

Just keep plugging along. There is life after alcohol. The Program of AA is individualistic. You make it your own. Getting a sponsor does help to guide you through and that person of your choosing can better answer any questions you may have. The resources for you (world wide if I am reading this forum correctly) are infinite. Every one of us was new at one time or another. I'm no black belt do this - do that - but if you don't drink, you won't lose your hard-earned sobriety. Don't compare yourself to others, take suggestions or not. From what I have read on some of these boards, there's a tremendous amount of experience, strength and hope. Hang on to this and when the time is right, you will work on your steps and over the years, revise and revamp but the one constant step will be Step One as that will never change with age and AA anniversaries. Best wishes from Arizona, USA
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