How Do I Know If I Have The Right Sponsor?

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How Do I Know If I Have The Right Sponsor?

Postby Alphabetty » Tue Nov 15, 2016 5:41 am

This isn't my first time in the program and I am having difficulty with my sponsor. She is aloof. I often am telling her something and she doesn't respond. I finally asked her the other day how come she didn't respond and she said, "Because I don't have anything to say." (?)
I asked her what she thought about what I had just said, and finally she said she didn''t know the person so she had no opinion. (?)

This is frustrating to me. I find that I cannot tell her about much, especially if I'm having problems because I get the same kind of response. I then begin questioning whether I'm being to picky? I have had her for four months and have been direct in telling her that I need, "Atta boys" and other words of encouragement. She still doesn't get it. I have a very small group of woman to choose from. But I am wondering if I am just making excuses. She does give me rides and we can talk about work-related subjects. (She is an RN and I am a CNA). But she is not available to talk much and frequently won't answer my texts - and will not discuss certain subjects like when I'm in conflict (any conflict) with another person.

I wanted to just stick with one person, and even when I give her compliments thinking that this might bring us closer - it makes no difference. What should I do? I have already begun my fourth step and now she is telling me it can take months? I don't want to spend months on it.
Confused and frustrated. I wish I could have a sponsor who could see that I am trying and someone that I can talk to. I go to a counselor, so I son't need to call a sponsor for every little issue. I attend meetings and I chair. Why can't I get a sponsor out of the area, even if we don't attend the same meetings. Is that seriously required? I've heard that it's not necessary to like a sponsor - so again I wonder if I'm just too picky? I don't know. Can anyone ot there on this board sponsor me???
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Re: How Do I Know If I Have The Right Sponsor?

Postby Spirit Flower » Tue Nov 15, 2016 6:07 am

Have you read: http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/search/p ... ponsorship

Are you working the steps?

Many people are not "councilors". They may only be able to help with the mechanics of working the steps, but not amateur psychology. Move onif thats what you want.
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Re: How Do I Know If I Have The Right Sponsor?

Postby PuppyEars » Tue Nov 15, 2016 6:42 am

A sponsor with no opinion on outside issues? Sounds like a keeper to me.
Sponsors that back away like you describe are great. They understand that real reliance must be on God. Humans will let you down.
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Re: How Do I Know If I Have The Right Sponsor?

Postby Tosh » Tue Nov 15, 2016 9:49 am

Alphabetty wrote:I have already begun my fourth step and now she is telling me it can take months? I don't want to spend months on it.


It's hard to know, but if you trust this person, book a date that mutually convenient to both of you, a date in the very near future (next week would be good) and have your fourth step done for the date you both chose, to do your fifth.

If you feel any reluctance on the part of your sponsor to meet for your fifth step, dump and find a sponsor who is prepared to go to any lengths.

Sponsors aren't there (in my opinion) to be our friends. We don't have to relate to them, or them to us. They're there just to help us with the 12 Steps. If your sponsor isn't stepping up to the mark in this area, I'd find another.

As for finding an out of area sponsor, of course you can.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
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Re: How Do I Know If I Have The Right Sponsor?

Postby Reborn » Tue Nov 15, 2016 11:16 am

There are no hard fast rules here...as Puppyears mentioned a sponsor that makes you search within yourself and tap that inner resource(Higher Power) is a keeper. My sponsor would often shut me off when I started whinning about life issues...a few days later we would talk and he would ask "so did you figure that out" then he would say things like "this is what I did and this is the result I got" and leave it at that. Page 98 says...

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

You can always get another sponsor...but you have to ask yourself if you're doing it simply because you're not getting what you want when you want it.
Last edited by Reborn on Tue Nov 15, 2016 12:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: How Do I Know If I Have The Right Sponsor?

Postby Mike O » Tue Nov 15, 2016 11:27 am

If you're, deep down, unhappy with your sponsor - and not just because she won't do things your way - find another one. They don't have to be in the same group, town, or even country!
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Re: How Do I Know If I Have The Right Sponsor?

Postby PaigeB » Tue Nov 15, 2016 11:29 am

You have the right sponsor if you are working the Steps together... reading through and discussing Steps 1, 2 & 3 prior to starting on Step 4 - and all the way through Step 12. I would want a sponsor who has already completed their 12 Steps with a sponsor.

Not being able to get a hold of your sponsor early on might a difficulty. I know I had a lot of questions about dealing with life on life's terms and my sponsor shared her stories with me, directed me to parts in the Big Book etc. But they are not a life coach. Sobriety must stand alone as the most important thing or I won't have life issues to complain or worry about. I was often told "Be where your hands are and DO the next right thing." and "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" And I definitely heard, "Let me know how that goes for you."

It is the Steps that are the way to long term sobriety. My sponsor is just a guide.

BTW - I get a lot of good stuff from attending meetings too. Seems I never fail to hear what I need to hear, even if the topic doesn't seem quite right on, it usually fits. Besides, a meeting is at least 1 hour with god and the people who accept me as I am and pretty much make me smile the whole time we're together! It is a time to focus on the solution and I get a good break from my problems!
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Re: How Do I Know If I Have The Right Sponsor?

Postby Roberth » Tue Nov 15, 2016 12:49 pm

Hello Alphabetty, welcome to E-AA My name is Robert and I am a Los Angeles area alcoholic.
The more I hear about picking a sponsor I the luckier I think I was. My sponsor picked me rather than me picking a sponsor on my own. The first thing he told me was “as your sponsor I would not tell you what to do but only what I would do.” Then all he did was to introduce me to the principles of AA by taking me thought the steps and showed me how he did AA. I thought one of the steps was “Just get in the Car” at first. He took me through the Steps which led me to the path that my journey has followed.
24 plus years later I do the same. I just show them what I did. I don’t sponsor a lot of people because most say they don’t have the time to do the things I do in AA. And now my two favorite saying are, you guessed one of them, “Just get in the car” and the other I used when the tell me their plan is “Hmmmmm that’s going to hurt” LOL
Robert
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Re: How Do I Know If I Have The Right Sponsor?

Postby Blue Moon » Tue Nov 15, 2016 8:05 pm

Alphabetty wrote:This isn't my first time in the program and I am having difficulty with my sponsor. She is aloof. I often am telling her something and she doesn't respond. I finally asked her the other day how come she didn't respond and she said, "Because I don't have anything to say." (?)
I asked her what she thought about what I had just said, and finally she said she didn''t know the person so she had no opinion. (?)

This is frustrating to me. I find that I cannot tell her about much, especially if I'm having problems because I get the same kind of response. I then begin questioning whether I'm being to picky? I have had her for four months and have been direct in telling her that I need, "Atta boys" and other words of encouragement. She still doesn't get it. I have a very small group of woman to choose from. But I am wondering if I am just making excuses. She does give me rides and we can talk about work-related subjects. (She is an RN and I am a CNA). But she is not available to talk much and frequently won't answer my texts - and will not discuss certain subjects like when I'm in conflict (any conflict) with another person.

I wanted to just stick with one person, and even when I give her compliments thinking that this might bring us closer - it makes no difference. What should I do? I have already begun my fourth step and now she is telling me it can take months? I don't want to spend months on it.
Confused and frustrated. I wish I could have a sponsor who could see that I am trying and someone that I can talk to. I go to a counselor, so I son't need to call a sponsor for every little issue. I attend meetings and I chair. Why can't I get a sponsor out of the area, even if we don't attend the same meetings. Is that seriously required? I've heard that it's not necessary to like a sponsor - so again I wonder if I'm just too picky? I don't know. Can anyone ot there on this board sponsor me???


Hi,

You say what happens, but not what you're expecting to happen (other than "atta boys"). For example, when you're talking about your experiences with this other person, are you looking for validation of what you did? Instructions on what to do? An opinion about their character? An opinion about your opinion about their character?

For me, the questions are: is this individual able to walk you through the Steps? Are they able to talk you through some service commitments? Do they have a reasonable grasp of how AA works, its history, its concepts, what we're supposed to do? Above all: have they actually done the work that we're expected to do? Faith without works is dead, but you can't give away what you don't have.

There is no training or badge to be a sponsor. Bottom line: this is your recovery, so it's up to you to decide what is best. AA can't decide this for you, because some people need a tough-love approach whilst others need more of a softly-softly approach. Neither is inherently right or wrong, except to whatever extent they're right or wrong for you.
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Re: How Do I Know If I Have The Right Sponsor?

Postby Alphabetty » Fri Nov 18, 2016 1:16 pm

To All,

An amazing gift was handed to me when I approached my sponsor by letter and carefully explained my frustrations.
She agreed, in a nutshell and we are working through this together. It takes a special person to hang-in there and I am so grateful that I had this place to go that helped me sort out what I was feelings.

:roll: :roll: :D
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