100 Days By Hook or By Crook - Not Always Pretty

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100 Days By Hook or By Crook - Not Always Pretty

Postby Alphabetty » Mon Nov 14, 2016 6:35 am

To any newcomers out there who are floundering, I am too! I struggle in meetings where it seems I am still struggling after 90 days - as if that is some kind of marker by which the world becomes serene and life is perfect. I've had struggles with a new job I started about two months ago that is tough - and then sustained a worker's comp injury that wasn't appreciated by my company. (As if I enjoyed being hurt!)
I have not had one AA person ask if they can assist or help in anyway as I hobble around to meetings on crutches. (I actually just realized this.) I feel sorry for all the newcomers who go on and on about how great life is...because this too shall pass and then what will they do? Maybe it's good that I've had to struggle so hard to stay sober on more than one occasion. I have followed the path, in my mind, down the road of destruction, should I take that first drink. I find that I'm not feeling very compassionate toward an ex who calls me with tales of his using escapades - and then calls me names. Blocking his phone number only had him email. In fact, I have blocked a gal from AA who made the mistake of texting someone on the program after our "private" phone call and telling them all kinds of lies about me - not realizing that she sent the text to me! (Idiot) I have found that there are some people, places and things that are simply not worth the bother in my sobriety.
So, my sobriety is not lined with happiness. But it is all mine and I've worked hard and honestly to get this far. I never want to be so foggy again that I confuse fact with fiction. It is good to be sober today - even if it's difficult.
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Re: 100 Days By Hook or By Crook - Not Always Pretty

Postby Alphabetty » Mon Nov 14, 2016 6:51 am

Yes, I am on Step 4. I go to 3-4 meetings a week and chair a womyn's meeting.
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Re: 100 Days By Hook or By Crook - Not Always Pretty

Postby Duke » Mon Nov 14, 2016 7:44 am

Welcome friend, and thanks for sharing. I was fortunate to experience such elation at finding hope, that my “pink cloud” lasted for quite a while. But eventually, my damaged emotional nature reasserted itself, and I wondered more than once when I would be graced with the serenity and peace of mind that everyone talked about.

I had to come to understand that the honesty required for those of us who suffer from grave emotional disorders, is to never allow our negative feelings to convince us again, that there is some problem other than those feelings.

The power of my own defective emotional responses to life diminishes significantly when I own the pain as my own, and not the fault of my wife or job or whatever. For me that meant a relentless program of working a tenth step whenever I started to feel those negative feelings regardless of the circumstances. Ask that it be removed, talk to a trusted friend, make any necessary amends, and turn my thoughts to how I can be of service. Doing this not only worked for me then, it has significantly diminished the intensity and occurrence of those negative feelings altogether. Working a tenth step is the practical, step by step approach for understanding what it means to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I wish you the best. Thanks for being here.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: 100 Days By Hook or By Crook - Not Always Pretty

Postby Brock » Mon Nov 14, 2016 7:46 am

Good morning Betty, congratulations on the 100 days, and sorry to hear about the difficulties in getting there. Being on step four is like sitting on the launching pad of good sobriety, in fact at the beginning of four it says “next we launched out on a course of vigorous action.” Try not to use the common excuses for lingering on this step, we often hear people wanting to make sure nothing is left out, writing their whole life history and so on, it really should not take more than a couple of weeks and then we do #5 right away. Very many of us, myself included, have found what they say near the end of five to be true -
We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.

Best of luck in getting there as soon as you can, it really is a turning point in understanding the program and making progress.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: 100 Days By Hook or By Crook - Not Always Pretty

Postby clouds » Mon Nov 14, 2016 9:18 am

Welcome Betty! :D

Glad you found e-AA and its great you have made 100 days sober.

I was not gifted with any of the high feelings of having found sobriety. I was so aware that my powerlessness over alcohol was real and deadly for some weeks after going to meetings and hearing other AA people share, plus my own history of trying to quit on my own that these things only cemented the sense that it was 'do the steps or die'. :(

So it matterd little if husband left or not, flu bugs, people saying things I didn't like hearing at meetings, all of it was just not as significant as getting a grip on the program of recovery and to at least three meetings a week. I finally found a sponsor who had done the steps and would share with me how to do them on a daily basis. That was the beginning of contented sobriety for me. She showed me what character defects were in real life, how to apply step three and to quit playing god through prayer and meditation. She said a dependence on God was what drove the fears and anxieties away.

I followed instructions and it worked. I'm glad nobody promised me riches, loves, the world. Just this -- that if I did the steps to the best of my ability and get honest with myself, then I'd get sober.

Thanks so much for starting this topic.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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