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Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2016 6:36 am
by Kaliare
God knows plenty of us have blown it off in our day for a drink.


Exactly this. I'm tired of letting people down. My partner's already concerned that I'm channelling my energy in the wrong direction.

Have you sought any aid with being a SA survivor in another place?


I haven't yet but I'm talking to someone tomorrow. It didn't create the drink problem but it certainly exacerbated it, and as I sober up I'm realising how much the situation has affected me. Really, a year ago I wouldn't have been remotely nervous of a guy getting in my personal space. I would have just said, "I'm going over there now," and headed toward someone who looked suitably neutral and friendly. Especially because I do actually think he was trying to be nice, but has mental health problems so it came across the wrong way. Especially as it was my first meeting and every part of me was in fight or flight mode.

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2016 6:45 am
by Kaliare
Thanks ezdzit247 :)

Reborn: Thanks for standing up for others. It's entirely possible he wasn't trying anything on - apart from anything else I was shaky and sick and had thrown on whatever clothes to get through the door, so I wasn't exactly alluring.

I guess the other thing is that I wouldn't class myself as 'well' either. I am trying to be compassionate, but in my first week in particular I felt paranoid and jumpy. It highlighted the reason for the whole 'women with women', 'men with men' thing.

avaneesh912: I made pointed comments about my partner last time I saw him. Hopefully that should knock it on the head.

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2016 7:15 am
by Feeya
Kaliare wrote:Thanks Feeya, sorry if I over-reacted. Certain other posters were upsetting me.


I get it, don't worry. :)

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2016 3:55 pm
by D'oh
Kali, I in no way was pointing any fingers at anyone. I am sorry if it came across that way.

I once heard a Speaker say He had to quit going to football games, because when the players went into a Huddle, he knew they were talking about him. Hey you see that guy in row 10, isle 8!

Anyways I felt like that at my first meetings. Like I was the only one nekid in a room full of Tuxedos and Formal Gowns. The help of those who reached out made me feel much more comfortable in meetings. I was not alone.

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2016 7:05 pm
by kellye
I am new. I find your post interesting and hope that you will become more comfortable in your next meeting. I do think the post about the creeps in bars is pretty funny, but I expect you aren't feeling the humor just now. Chin up!

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2016 7:46 am
by Lali
Hey, Kaliare. I wish I'd never made that silly joke about creeps in bars. For that, I apologize. It had nothing to do with recovery which is why we are all here.

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2016 8:31 am
by Larryp713
Thanks for the topic, and sorry you are having such bad experiences with AA meetings. I hated meetings for many years, hated the smoking, didn't get a lot out of the shares, etc... I am not a young woman, so I did not have your experience with getting hit on. But I hated meetings and never got a lot out of AA. I also never recovered from my alcoholism, and as many told me, it got worse.
Eventually, about 19 months ago, I reached a level of desperation where my comfort level wasn't as important and my willingness to do anything to get sober was at an all time high. They told me to go to at least 90 meetings in 90 days. I had been told that before and scoffed - I have a family, 5 kids including three in high school. How could I do that. My sponsor asked me that if I had found 90 hours in my last three months of drinking to get drunk. That was an obvious yes. He told me that if I wanted to recover, I would need to be just as committed to sobriety as I was to drinking.
I made it to more than 90 meetings in 90 days. My family wasn't too impacted, and I really was launched in recovery. I had a sponsor and worked the steps. I also stopped focusing on what other people were doing if it didn't have anything to do with recovery. I started to fellowship with those that had what I wanted, a reprieve from this disease. I was told to have a service commitment, attend business meetings, call other alcoholics, and basically plug into this program of action. When I did that, I didn't care about the obnoxious guy who made tasteless jokes, all the smokers (I detest the smell of cigarettes), the chronic relapsers, etc... I made friends, some of the best friends I have ever had. I met newcomers, and though many aren't ready to get this yet, when I shared with them, my recovery was strengthened. I spoke with oldtimers and listened to how they stayed sober.
Today, I have a life with much greater purpose. People have asked me to sponsor them, I have witnessed miracles and heartbreaks, but all the time I spend following this suggestions, my relationship with God and others improves. That is a testimony that is real. I don't need to convince you or anybody else that it is true. I know it is. I also know that you might not want this, and I have no ill feelings for you if that is the case. For 20 years, I found all the things I didn't like about AA. I am so grateful they didn't give up on me. I wish you all the best. Larry

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2016 10:22 pm
by johnd
Hi Killaire,
I understand how you may be feeling... You must have boundaries absolutely.. Recovery is not easy in the beginning for sure.. AA isn't asking you to do 5+ meetings or 2 meetings a week.. All AA is asking you is are you willing to get sober and stay sober under any or all conditions.... After my first exposure to AA meetings I thought great I'm here with a bunch of people who have too much time on their hands cause I was hearing how some were attending meetings 2-3 times a day 7 days a week... I felt that was way too much.. I came to AA cause I had no way of defending myself against the first drink.. I attended a couple of AA meetings a week in early sobriety due to my working schedule... I was reading the literature and had a couple of phone numbers of certain members I had become aqquainted with. Fortunately for me I also knew a couple of friends who had been sober a little longer than I had been..

though I had heard a few members of a couple groups say to me "I don't know how you can keep sober only attending 2 meetings a week?"" I had to learn to Live and Let Live... We all have our path of recovery.. Some need to go to meetings daily or a few times daily.. while others can work AA into their lives by learning the steps and the principles of sober living... I rarely go to AA meetings these days because I learned how to live in the day and praxtice everything I had learned in AA .. I still read the Big Book.. I still ask for help in the morning and Thank at night... The obsession and desire to drink has been lifted .. I am Grateful for all I do have .. I just do the best I can on a daily basis.. And rule #62 is applied in my life as well Don't take myself to seriously.... Some may disagree with what I had ssaid But it's the truth ... I had a sponsor who told me I don't need an anbylcal cord to meetings.. The 12th step taught me about the "Joy of Living" .. So I wish you well I hope you find the Peace and the Serenty I have come to cherish One Day at a Time... My name is John D. and I am a recovered Alcoholic... Thank you AA for showing me the way up and out....

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 6:47 am
by emeraldg
Kaliare wrote:You know what, PuppyEars, whenever I hear someone talking about how boundaries are bullshit it's because they want to violate another person's boundaries. Maybe you should reconsider your own behaviour in meetings and online rather than trying to gaslight newbies into thinking that their perfectly rational fears are just their disease. Goddamn you creep me out.


Welcome, Kaliare. Please don't pay mind to certain posters comments like these. There are sick people everywhere, who may also have substantial outside issues and for their own reasons may need attention by being inflammatory and inappropriate. It also feeds into the idea that we are AA are a "cult", and then we wonder why. For every sick person, there are loads of healthier folk. Stick with the winners. Keep coming back.

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 3:32 pm
by serendipity
Kaliare wrote:I have been to a few meetings so far. On the plus side, I feel a bit 'lighter' after every meeting and I haven't had a drink since I started.

But the downsides are legion so far.

The female members have been pushy and have violated my boundaries.

One wanted me to go to a meeting tonight in another town and when I said I had plans (I have a family) gave me the side eye. She offered to drive me - I am not remotely comfortable with getting in a car with a stranger and being reliant on them for transport. Why would anyone agree to that?

Another, when I said I was going to a meeting on Saturday, said I should also go to one Saturday evening. I explained that I had family obligations. She semi accepted that, then continued to pressure me. At the end of the meeting she was like, "So you'll be going on Saturday evening?" and looked like I'd let her down when I reiterated that I had a family and other things I needed to do. She implied I couldn't possibly be serious about sobriety if I wasn't willing to go to two meetings a day.

A third made all the right noises, then told me I really should be going to 5+ a week.

I've only been to a few meetings and I've already had an older guy creep on me. He invaded my personal space in my first meeting, following when I backed up, five freaking times. No one intervened or even seemed to think it was strange. Oh and he did it again next time he saw me at a meeting, waiting until I went to get a coffee (until then I had glued myself to a group of women who were there).

I was expecting AA to be about peer support and be more of a group therapy situation.

But so far the meetings have been more like prayer meetings interspersed with what a born again friend of mine would call testimony.

Frankly, I feel unsafe.

I'm not finding this supportive or helpful, particularly, just frightening and incomprehensible.

Are all AA meetings like this?


No, not all AA meetings are like that. It's best to shop around, meeting wise, to find some that suit you best. I have trust issues and I agree with you about not wanting to get in a car with a stranger.

Are there other meetings in your area you could try out? Maybe a women's meeting, as well?

I'm new to AA, as well, just reached 1000 hours clean today, but I just kept going back.

Do what makes you comfortable, but puhhhhhleeeeeeze, "keep coming back" :)

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 6:41 pm
by krenee
I've been to one meeting and opted for forums afterwards for these exact reasons. It was overly religious and didn't coincide with my beliefs to start. I also felt like my personal space was invaded and boundaries were crossed. One lady actually told me that if I kept doing what I was doing that I'd end up dead because I wanted to go home rather than standing and talking with everyone after the meeting. With that said, they can't all be that way. You may just have to go to several different meetings in different areas before you're able to find one that you like. For me, the forums are just fine. But if you want to be in more of a meeting environment keep looking! :D

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2016 1:13 am
by Feeya
I needed more than the forums.
Even though this forum means a lot, it was my first reach out point when I wanted to get sober and did not know how..
I need f2f meetings because only there do I get the support that I need to stay sober.
I went to several meetings that I did not like until I found my homegroup and two other meetings that I go to, that are absolutely great. I always feel so much better after a meeting. The physical 'being there', the atmosphere and the people help me to stay sober and I am so grateful for that.
It took a while though. The first weeks I was just an uncomfortable mess, did not look anyone in the eyes, stumbled my words, had the shakes. But they told me to come back and I did!

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2016 4:37 am
by D'oh
I've been to one meeting and opted for forums afterwards for these exact reasons. For me, the forums are just fine. But if you want to be in more of a meeting environment keep looking! :D


Yes, I didn't like the first brand of Beer I tried, so I switched to Whiskey, that made me lose friends, so I found Vodka, but the mix was too sweet, so I left it in the paper bag. That worked, well until it didn't anymore.

"K", I have read your Introduction. You can look at your situation 2 ways, an annoyance or an awakening. It took me 2 DUI's to see it as an awakening.

Good Luck.

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2016 3:27 pm
by Tosh
krenee wrote:One lady actually told me that if I kept doing what I was doing that I'd end up dead because I wanted to go home rather than standing and talking with everyone after the meeting.


I've told two people recently that I think they'll end up dead, soon, if they don't stop drinking. They will too. One has already been hospitalised twice in ten days. The other crashed her car into her house when she was drunk. She's not long had her licence back.

I think the fear we 'sober types' have is that newcomers don't seem to put much effort into their recovery; they're lazy or they're unwilling to come out of their comfort zones; they appear to try and take the easier softer way and we see them drifting off and back to drinking.

I don't think there's any easy answers; I know we can't scare people sober - that doesn't work.

But I think given the time I've spent with both of these alcoholics that I've earned the right to be honest with them though, and I do think that their alcoholism will kill them, sooner, rather than later, if they don't start doing something different.

Edited to add; I don't believe the solution to alcoholism is 'more meetings', although I think meetings are very important, especially in the early days when I was thinking about drinking all the time. My emphasis is on the 12 Steps and the change they produce when we go through the process of them.

Re: So Far, Disappointed

PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2017 4:18 pm
by cristis
It's interesting, but this is exactly what we should expect from 10-15 people with very different background and education, age and life experience, thrown together in a small room. And when many of them are not only alcoholics, but also drug addicts, or after jail time. Normal behavior rules cannot always apply.

I've seen in my meetings as well the 2-3 old pushy churchy ladies, who want to know everything and save you right away, even if you don't want this. And the large old guys breathing heavily and looking for fresh young meat.

Of course, not everyone is like that, far from it. And sometimes things are simply misinterpreted. I felt sorry for a poor not so good looking guy who just wanted to be nice with some lady, and she rejected him like a pest. Not every male who comes up with a simple compliment is a hunter, ladies! And yes, some anti-social younger ladies could be biased as well, probably after the bad experiences with their own boyfriends. Dare to say hi, she will look at you like you already raped her.