Frustrated Alcoholic Mom

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Frustrated Alcoholic Mom

Postby CAM_72 » Mon Apr 18, 2016 6:34 pm

I want to go to a meeting. My husband works 80 plus hours a week, including weekends. I have married my father. A workaholic who is an alcoholic under his business suite. I have a three year old. I have taken him to meetings and he shouts over everyone sharing special moments. He would never let me find a sponser or stand and speak without rummaging through purses, crying I am not right there or simply taking the stage with his screaming he thinks is a song. On top of it I am hundreds of miles from home and just moved.

I told my husband my husband I will need AA if we both continue down our path. I feel we are fueling each other. We enable each other and it is such a dangerous combo. It has been only one day and he agreed to get rid off it. He slept great and I stayed up at odd hours exhausted for my child. I don't if he has more confidence in quitting than I do.

My history...I started drinking from age 12 to 17. I got sober at age 17 when my younger brother went to prison for 10 years because I realized I couldn't ruin my life like he had, or disappoint my parents. In between 17 years thru 24 years I attended AA....sobriety on and off every few months but I mostly did the right thing... 24 years thru 34 I lived a lone and just didn't keep it around because I knew I was tempted. I filled my time with sports and the gym. I skipped meetings for 10 years. Age 34 to 37 I get caught up in a relationship that ends in domestic violence. I feel very unsafe in my own home, I feel silenced, shamed and alcohol seems to help me sleep. The police did not make me feel safe. I should have received help professionally but didn't.

I felt unsafe for a year and drink for a year. Despite a year of stalking, breaking and entering, a police report where there is no evidence my ex leaves behind I continue my behavior. I date but I have a huge wall up. Some men comment on my drinking too much. I understand domestic violence and alcohol go hand in hand. They are both poisons.

I continue and meet my husband. Who has a lot of stories of being drunk. I tell him that drinking might be a deal breaker since I struggle with addiction. He thanks me for letting me know. He makes me feel understood and safe. And so loved even today. He shows good behavior and we get married. His father never makes it to the wedding because he got arrested trying to get drugs. My husband never speaks to him and it's easy to say I'm not an alcoholic when I haven't lost a family or landed in jail but I know does not discriminate. Ten months later I get pregnant and sobered up. Ironically it wasn't a struggle. I just knew for 9 months I had to. Although my husband drank a little less he drank too much.

My son is born and I pour my first drink after 2-4 hours of sleep with a newborn. I feel like it's a mistake but how else can I deal with a newborn up all night, sleep all day and up every 2-4 hours. My husband injures his back and is disabled for 4 months. He is bedridden and I have a newborn. I am waiting on two boys now. I have parents approaching their 80s so I am on my own. And at the time my son had Celiac's disease and threw up every two hours all night for the first 2 years. Alcohol helped me from the stress. Though I was never unaware of his needs I used alcohol as a crutch.

Now he's 3, I live in another state, far away from anyone I know. A husband who works 80 plus hours. A screaming toddler who makes meetings hard to attend. I am venting I wish AA had more for moms. When I was young it was so easy to find time to take care of myself! When you get up at 8 AM and go all day til your husband gets home at 8 or 9 there is no support for me. My husband is OK for today keeping it out of the house. Thought he is used to consuming a pint a day or more. He is watching my son as I type so I think he wants help as much as I do though as a man who won't admit fear. I feel so out of control, like all I have is this forum and for mom's with little ones it's a tough break in AA. And wondering how much my husband can go on taking care of the kid when he comes home exhausted, being sober. I wish I was one of the people who could just quit when I wanted but then I wouldn't be an alcoholic. I am step one not sure how to go to step two.
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Re: Frustrated Alcoholic Mom

Postby Stepchild » Mon Apr 18, 2016 8:31 pm

Welcome to the site....It's amazing the places alcohol can take us. That feeling of complete hopelessness. I know it well and I'll never forget it. What I learned about alcoholism...And the fact that there was even a way out for people like us...I learned in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. It is available online for free...I highly recommend you read it....Better yet...Study it. It is a text book on how the founders recovered...With clear-cut directions for the steps. For people like us....That's freedom.

I am step one not sure how to go to step two.


I think for me...I got to the point I couldn't take it anymore...And I simply said..."God help me." And those 12 steps and He did. I'm glad you're here Cam...There is a way out. We can help you.
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Re: Frustrated Alcoholic Mom

Postby Noels » Tue Apr 19, 2016 12:45 am

Good morning CAM and welcome. I'm so glad you decided to join us. I'm sure between all the members shares and good advice you are going to find a path that you will be able to maintain.
From myself - whilst I was reading your post I could feel the hopelessness, unmanageability, frustration, trapped and restlessness as you typed. Its as if you just want to leave all behind and run as you have reached the point where you are completely overwhelmed and can not see the way forward. Your Higher Power though (the knowing inside you) knows there is a way out, you just don't quite know right now how to get to it. Or at least you know how to get to it - AA - but your circumstances doesn't want to co-operate.
The first thing that I would suggest is to get a babysitter for an hour or two for the nights when you wish to attend a meeting. My son was terribly colic for his first 18 months of new life and I remember how difficult it was for me during that period to manage work, the home and other related responsibilities, making supper, try to rest, take care of his needs and still remain sane. It got better though. It just didn't feel like it would at that time.
As you clearly know how important it is for (at least) you to become and remain sober for your own sake as well as that of your son I would say we need to work from that angle. So the first step would be to get help with your little one. Someone who you can trust to stay with your little one for the hour or two so you can attend a meeting. That will be the start of getting your life back together and slowly, as you attend meetings, find a sponsor, start working the 12 steps and allow yourself to become who you really are, your life will become manageable again.
So find a babysitter and go to a meeting. Look at that as " your time ". It is very important right now as unless you get yourself straightened out you will be unable to assist your son and even your hubby in due course. Its like the instructions on a flight - in the event of oxygen masks being required - adults please put your oxygen masks first and then assist your children and other people. Sounds horrible but completely true.
Good luck and let us know how it goes. We are here for you.
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Re: Frustrated Alcoholic Mom

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue Apr 19, 2016 3:43 am

I am step one not sure how to go to step two.


Whatever thing that helped so many on this board, can help me too! Thats all it takes. Then you are on step 3. God would help if you seek him/her/it. You do so, cleaning up. Looking at the selfish, self-centered acts of ours. Then this power flows in.

Watch "Bar Rescue" and you could see what Bill W is talking about. When he says, its a fact finding and fact facing process, its a great analogy. Be bold, we will be there to help you because we have been there.
Last edited by avaneesh912 on Tue Apr 19, 2016 10:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Frustrated Alcoholic Mom

Postby clouds » Tue Apr 19, 2016 7:59 am

Hi Cam, Just wanted to let you know its not hopeless. I started AA sobriety for myself with one little girl almost one year old and my other one was 2 years old and my husband was a drinking alcoholic. You will find other moms in AA who can help. You can have meetings at each others homes with the kids and take turns looking after them. This really helps to get a network of support for your self with other sober moms. I got to three meetings a week for the first few years. If you stay with other women in AA and apply the 12 steps to your life every day, then you can stay sober under any and all circumstances, even if your husband does not. This is a chance for you to really find a new way to live. Stay with it!
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Frustrated Alcoholic Mom

Postby PaigeB » Tue Apr 19, 2016 10:22 am

Hi CAM - Welcome. If anybody can use the Fellowship of AA it is you. It sounds like you know it will help.

I got my start in AA by calling the local hotline. No need for a sitter there, just dial them up while the babe is sleeping or otherwise entertained! If course if yours is like most, he will see you are on the phone and act up... get out the ice cream! If you do not know anyone who can babysit, perhaps the gal who is on the hotline will know someone. You are not the only mom with little hellians that needs a meeting. My home group is a women's meeting but we do not have childcare for that time, but almost each of us can name a few meetings that do offer child care. You might even consider doing some one on one time with other moms at the park or McDonald's play area.

What I mean to say here is: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It may seem like it, but try to think back to the reality of your days in AA passed... you know that we all care very very much and will help anyway we can.

Use this link to find AA Near you. Use the phone to call. Don't give up. This might be one of the most difficult things you have been through, but you are worth it and you don't have to do it alone.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources

Private message me and I will give you my phone number.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Frustrated Alcoholic Mom

Postby Roberth » Tue Apr 19, 2016 11:54 am

Hello Cam and welcome to E-AA. Also welcome back to AA. My name is Robert and I am a Los Angeles area alcoholic. In Southern California we have something called Moms and Tots meetings. They are for women in the same boat as you. From what a friend tell me they have a good understanding of situation like yours and deal with it. If you don’t have one in your area you can think of starting one.
As far as step two I wouldn’t over think it too much. it's knowing deep down in your heart that something thing can work for you whether it be God or a higher power of even your AA group. I did mine without even knowing it. At nine month sober I told my then wife that I wanted to drink more than ever before and I was heading to the liquor store so she took me to a meeting.
I hear my story come out of someone else mouth and it happened. I knew AA would work for me and not just in my head but deep down inside. It’s what they call the longest journey, the one from the head to the heart. I am not sure what happened but the obsession was lifted from me. I also make the decision to make AA a life process.
I told my sponsor what happened and he told me with a smile “now that you have done your second and third steps let’s get busy with the rest of them” that was over 24 years ago and the obsession has not returned so far.
Robert
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in pretty, well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming WOW What a ride!!!!
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Re: Frustrated Alcoholic Mom

Postby CAM_72 » Tue Apr 19, 2016 8:38 pm

These are all great suggestions that I will follow. I had an amazing revelation today that brought me peace once I came to terms with it. I thought why does sobriety scare me? Aside from the nausea, shakes, nightmares, headaches, etc you get the first few days (like today)there is another situation to consider...my marriage. I married an alcoholic who is afraid of becoming his father. A man he will not speak too. But what if I choose the right path and he goes down the wrong one like we both have before? Will I become a single mother on a reduced income and lose someone I love that was toxic to an addictive personality? This was causing panic attacks having me want to reach the booze until I realized why I was in panic. Gaining sobriety and possibly breaking apart my family....

This is not easy to consider. My mother never liked drinking and seemed unphased helper to my father's drunken states. Many change our friends, we keep a dry house, many are married wishing to help someone get sober. But when your married to another alcoholic it may spell divorce on a marriage and leave you to raise a child a lone. This is a harsh possibility.

Recognizing this I do not want fear to stand in my way. When we fear we do the opposite of what we need. I can only hope and pray he follows me down this path and supports me. And if he does not I will have to decide then what to do. I am "one day at a time" and will cross a bridge when I get there. I also realize as scary as is it I need to share these feelings with him to let him know how important he is to me but so is this change in my life.

I was sober 9 months with my son in my womb and if I have to do it again now that he's 3 so he can continue to develop in a healthy environment than it's a goal I strive for! I have so much work to do on myself but at least I have a starting point.
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Re: Frustrated Alcoholic Mom

Postby PaigeB » Tue Apr 19, 2016 10:05 pm

The fear of what will happen when you get sober may be all wrong - it may be backwards even! Our fears are always greater than the reality.

Hang in there my friend. Get to a meeting - talk to some women there. You will receive the support you need to get sober. I trust you will find strength for whatever comes (or doesn't come) in the future. We have zero control over the future no matter how we scheme and plan! :wink:
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Frustrated Alcoholic Mom

Postby Lali » Wed Apr 20, 2016 8:52 pm

This is probably going to sound harsh but your husband is the father of your child. I don't understand why he can't care for the child a couple nights a week. Millions of mothers work full time jobs and then do the majority of the child care. Because he's a man he shouldn't have to do that? Ridiculous, really. Where's the support you say he gives? He can wheel the baby's crib into the living room and barely have to leave the couch to feed and change the baby.

How about talking to him about it?
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
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Re: Frustrated Alcoholic Mom

Postby CAM_72 » Thu Apr 21, 2016 9:36 pm

I agree Lali! The idea of spending money on a babysitter, which by the end of the year would be $1,200 seems kind of crazy. And while he works sometimes a 12-14 hour day like most days so do I when I deal with toddler behavior. I do not "work" as a SAHM but do just as much...there's just no paycheck. And honestly some days I am envious of working mom's who get a break from kids and have adult conversations not involving boogers, tantrums and boundary testing all day.

I have finally reached the point where I am no longer afraid to change paths. When I brought it up I felt panicky our whole relationship would shift and fall apart. But I find a week later I feel like a human again and must be headed in the right direction! And my husband looks a hell of a lot better without alcohol in the house for a week! I'm hoping were entering a new chapter of change with our wedding anniversary one week away!
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Re: Frustrated Alcoholic Mom

Postby Noels » Fri Apr 22, 2016 12:34 am

Good morning CAM :D I'm so glad you're keeping it up and that your thinking and I'm sure also that of your hubby is becoming clearer as the fog subsides. Well done!
I look at this a little bit different so please forgive me for the honesty. I don't have the full background so if I'm wrong please just ignore. I also don't mean for this to be a " Aunty Noels lets deal with a problem which is not AA related post". I am responding though as I feel in my entire being that this is important whether AA related or not.
I'm thinking that if your hubby is working 12-14 hours a day he is possibly doing so because you guys have moved not so long ago, he wants to secure his position wherever he is (alcoholics have a tendency to be perfectionists in their professional life and work harder and longer hours than the average person in general) and by doing so want to ensure that both you and your son is comfortable financially? If this is the case I would cut him some slack in this regard as it is beneficial to all of you at the moment?
From your post it comes to me that although you are feeling better you yourself say that you are envious of working moms at times who " get a break from kids ...." . I understand this and would quite honestly suggest that you deal with this aspect first (on a sober basis as you are now alcohol - free) as its almost as if you are building resentment towards your hubby AND child because you feel trapped. If this is the case then its unknowingly harming your relationship with your child which is unfair to the little one as he is right now, totally dependant on you ?
Therefore I once again stress from the bottom of my heart that you consider the services of a baby sitter for the simple reason that your hubby is most probably just as exhausted as you are and it is unnecessary and can only make both your lives better if both of you get an hour or two a week to relax and take time out for yourselves? This is one of those moments where you need to set your personal feelings aside and think and decide what would be best for your child, yourself and your hubby bearing in mind that your hubby is most probably just as exhausted as you are.
Personally I don't see the $1.200 as crazy. Considering the peace of mind both you and your hubby will get by spending this amount I see it as more than reasonable. Peace of mind and sobriety can not have a price tag? Apart from that, with you not drinking anymore you will probably find that you save more than that amount on a yearly basis i.e the money which used to be spent on alcohol can now go towards paying the babysitter? For a good cause - to get you happy, joyous and free? Best deal ever?
In any event, I need to get going.
As I said if what I'm suggesting is incorrect please forgive and ignore.
If it makes sense and rings through thou, please consider.
Wishing you love, light, peace, happiness and an awesome day and weekend
Mwah xxx
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