doing it dishonestly

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doing it dishonestly

Postby porcupine » Thu Feb 18, 2016 11:31 pm

I'm 20 days sober and have been going to meetings pretty regularly. I'm totally amazed at where I've gotten to in this short period of time considering the amount I was drinking and the way I was drinking.

I would mix and match with drugs. Sometimes I'd have drugs so that I could stay off the alcohol for a few days. Sometimes I'd have alcohol to make the drugs last longer. I'd have pain relief drugs in the morning to get over a hangover.

I have been able to stop drinking entirely, I almost picked up once but I stopped myself. However I've recently started taking drugs again. Nothing too crazy, but its to knock me out. Over the counter sleeping tablets, over the counter pain relief (codeine). It helps me to get another day up but it is obviously not helping me entirely break out of this mindset. I even went to the doctor to see if I could get some valium to help with the shakes and lack of sleep but they wouldn't prescribe me any.

Alcohol is my addiction by far, the drugs are really just a side effect, but I'm aware that it isn't helping. I've been thinking that it is just to get through for a little while until I can start running the steps.

Is there any advice anyone has for me? Am I a lost cause? I'm really trying the program, have a sponsor and a home group and been doing meetings almost daily.
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Re: doing it dishonestly

Postby Robert R » Fri Feb 19, 2016 12:51 am

Your doctor possibly is concerned that you would not take valium as prescribed and abuse or combine with over the counter meds. From your share this would appear perhaps to be a reasonable reason for his refusal.
Interesting phrase "just to get through for a little while". You are possibly on the brink of doing the steps and being freed of the compulsion to drink. This is a programme for living that freed me from that sort of thinking.
Until I got some stability through the steps I was encouraged by AA members and my sponsor to get involved in activities with other members. Tidying a disabled members garden for instance, doing a daily shopping run for a temporarily bedridden member. Helping others "got me through" and out of my own head.
Today I don't "get through" Thanks to AA I live and experience each day as a gift, to value and live as well as I can.
There for you too my friend. It works if you work it!
Don't know exactly where I am going but I'm on my way and it's already much better than where I've been.
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Re: doing it dishonestly

Postby Brock » Fri Feb 19, 2016 3:45 am

Welcome here porcupine, congratulations on your progress so far.

This business of tranquilizers is something I have been around for most of my life, before I became an everyday drinker I used Valium, and continued when the alcohol got out of hand, it was the only way I could settle in the morning sufficient to go to work.

My experience is that doctors vary so much on who will and will not prescribe drugs like these, I have met those who are extremely cautious and those who hand out large repeatable prescriptions. I don't mind saying that I took them in my first months of sobriety, I can't remember for how long, but as I got into the program (steps) somehow the feeling to take them left, I think that is what you are looking for as well. The main message I would like to give is to hold on, because this really does work to settle that nervous irritable feeling that has us wanting the tranquilizer.

You seem certainly to be doing the right things meeting and sponsor wise, and I wish you the very best.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: doing it dishonestly

Postby Lali » Fri Feb 19, 2016 9:11 pm

My family doctor told me that he does not prescribe benzos to recovering alcoholics because they contain something that causes one to crave alcohol.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
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Re: doing it dishonestly

Postby ChancesAh » Sat Feb 20, 2016 12:36 am

Awesome job to date.

I wouldn't be overly stressed about the medication use but I would say it's something you need to phase out

As for Valium - That is a scary thought. Prescribed or not that's potent, addictive & more dangerous than most. I'd be taking the doctor's advice there - in saying no he both stated an opinion and proved he has a genuine concern for you.
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Re: doing it dishonestly

Postby SWIT » Mon Mar 07, 2016 6:28 am

No one is ever a lost cause.
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Re: doing it dishonestly

Postby leejosepho » Mon Mar 07, 2016 7:27 am

porcupine wrote:Alcohol is my addiction by far, the drugs are really just a side effect, but I'm aware that it isn't helping. I've been thinking that it is just to get through for a little while until I can start running the steps.

Whether we drink our booze, chew it, snuff it, stuff it or rub it into the skin, turning to chemical peace-of-mind is a side effect -- the insanity -- of untreated alcoholism. So yes, take the Steps and recover.
=======================
"We A.A.s do not *stay* away from drinking [one day at a
time] -- we *grow* away from drinking [one day at a time]."
("Lois Remembers", page 168, quoting Bill, emphasis added)
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Re: doing it dishonestly

Postby porcupine » Sat Mar 26, 2016 4:37 am

As an update - I went to a meeting and someone called out that they got up '6 months' sobriety by doing the same thing as me, and then got honest with themselves and started from 0 again.

I walked out of that meeting and started at 0 again myself too, and threw everything out of my medicine cabinet.

'Funny' thing is, my brain immediately went 'hey you know what, you're at 0, you could go on a bender now and it wouldn't cost you any days!'. That was yet another point at which I realised how twisted and broken this disease makes your mind.

Good luck in sobriety friends.
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Re: doing it dishonestly

Postby Robert R » Sat Mar 26, 2016 3:21 pm

Hey porcupine, progress! :D Becoming self aware of how damaged my thinking was enabled me (with the help of AA friends) to reboot this old brain into a new way of thinking. Took time and effort but the rewards are great and tangible in my life today.
Don't know exactly where I am going but I'm on my way and it's already much better than where I've been.
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Re: doing it dishonestly

Postby porcupine » Tue Mar 29, 2016 2:11 am

Reboot is a perfect way to describe what happened today. Its like I just learnt how to feel again. The word gratitude just does not do it justice. :D :D :D :D
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Re: doing it dishonestly

Postby positrac » Tue Mar 29, 2016 3:49 am

Well we all were lost causes once upon a time and we learned through AA/NA that our addiction would kill us and that we can't trade addictions because it doesn't work. Many have died trying to prove this point wrong and if you can take lessons learned from those who came before you then you will not be that lost cause anymore.

I have a lot of suggestions and really right now you need to work on not falling victim to other distractions as you'll fail and that is not negative as much as truth.

I hope you'll stick around and learn how to deal with life on life's terms one day at a time.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
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Re: doing it dishonestly

Postby ezdzit247 » Tue Mar 29, 2016 1:12 pm

porcupine wrote:As an update - I went to a meeting and someone called out that they got up '6 months' sobriety by doing the same thing as me, and then got honest with themselves and started from 0 again.

I walked out of that meeting and started at 0 again myself too, and threw everything out of my medicine cabinet.

'Funny' thing is, my brain immediately went 'hey you know what, you're at 0, you could go on a bender now and it wouldn't cost you any days!'. That was yet another point at which I realised how twisted and broken this disease makes your mind.

Good luck in sobriety friends.


Congratulations, porcupine! :D

Keep coming back.....
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Re: doing it dishonestly

Postby Jsn0w » Thu Mar 31, 2016 12:01 am

I can really identify with you, I have been the same for years and this time 13 days sober with no OTC sleep meds or codeine. I had flu this last week and I looked at the pharmacy to get some sleep/pain meds. I didn't but any. But the diseased addict wanted some. I am not playing ball anymore. As an acquaintance said to me the disease of addiction is "cunning, baffling and powerful" It will have me walk over to the pharmacy and convince me that I "need pain meds" when I really don't. The pain I am in is emotional. I have been listening to guided meditation on YouTube and having fresh juices. I have actually never been more relaxed or slept better, but my head tells me to walk over to the pharmacy to get Meds. Not this time
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Re: doing it dishonestly

Postby Noels » Mon Apr 04, 2016 7:53 am

Well done JsnOw :D
As one of the members here say :" keep coming back". Wed love to hear from you some more.
Mwah xxx
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