My current calamity.

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My current calamity.

Postby Linux » Thu Feb 18, 2016 1:02 am

I just registered on this forum and considered how to introduce myself. I think the best way to do so is via honesty. I'm typing this on my phone so please forgive grammatical errors.

I'm a thirty-seven year old male. Until recently I have comfortably lived a life with my wife in suburban Houston.

I was a functional alcoholic for a decade or so. When I came home after work I would drink, fall asleep, and then go about my routine as a professional in my field. It wasn't healthy but at the time was sustainable.

A few years ago things got worse. I took regular lunch breaks and drank whiskey in my car. This dulled my increasingly painful and intense hangovers. I did this for years. The guy at the local liquor store would see me drive up and have my bottle of whiskey on the counter before I had opened the door. He knew me and knew what I drank. I walked in, paid, walked out, and sat in a parking lot and drank. I then went back to work drunk and fought the feeling of nausea and sickness. Once I made it to the end of the work day I stumbled into the shop close to my house and bought more booze. I consumed it until I was mentally blind and could fall asleep. The next day I would repeat this exact same routine.

Last June I was fired. Rightfully so. I couldn't perform my duties. I was so sick that I could barely stand up without fear of passing out. I enrolled in unemployment for the first time in my life. I vomited most days in the office bathroom, trying to do so without making too much noise. I didn't want anybody to know.

When I was fired the first thing I did was buy a bottle of whiskey and drove home drunk. A shameful thing I had done before.

I'm making this post about nine months later. My unemployment has run out. I am low on money. My significant other worries every day about how we are going to pay the mortgage. If I'm not asleep I am drinking. More heavily than ever. Her health is failing due to stress and worry. My own health is failing. We could potentially lose everything. My response has been to drink even more. I know it's wrong and stupid. Yet here I am.

I'm desperate. I'm drunk as I type this. I don't truly expect this post to make a difference in my life but if there's even a one percent chance of it doing so then it's worth the shot.

I know I'll be told to go to a meeting. And I know I'll probably ignore it. I don't have the willpower. I'm utterly defeated. I have no pride left. If somebody would perhaps talk to me on the phone I would appreciate it. I don't know what else to do. I'm not ready to die. I need help.

Thanks for listening.
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby Robert R » Thu Feb 18, 2016 1:52 am

"I don't have the willpower". That is the starting point, willpower kept me drunk. Self will run riot summed up my mental state. Desperation and total defeat got me through the doors of AA. Almost 8 years on and I am grateful that I lost the battle to do it my way. At 64 years old I have just enjoyed the best 8 years of my life to date.
No my friend I won't 'tell' you to go to a meeting!
You already know what you have to do, I believe only fear stands in your way.

We hold the door open. You have to walk through it of your own accord my friend.
Don't know exactly where I am going but I'm on my way and it's already much better than where I've been.
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby clouds » Thu Feb 18, 2016 3:09 am

Welcome, I'm glad you found us.

You may need detox.

You can avail yourself of the solution we offer in AA, its fairly simple.

Could you make a phone call to Alcoholics Anonymous? The number will be in the phone book. They can help you find a meeting or they can just have someone phone you with the information you need.

I was a hopeless daily drunk myself. I began AA not having a clue how to get sober. They helped me from continuing on the destructive path I was on. AA works, may as well give it a go.

We are all willing to help you understand the nature of alcoholism and support you in finding sobriety.

All the questions you have can be answered.

When I realized that I couldn't stop drinking, I thought it was the end. But it was the first step to a wonderful life I didn't know would be possible for me.

Like I said, give it a go.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby positrac » Thu Feb 18, 2016 4:36 am

Welcome and I would recommend getting help because you can't fix yourself right now. Will power will fail you and others will fail you as well. So this must be for you and no one else because this is life or death and you aren't helping anyone if you pass on because of ego.

Life is hard for a reason and so if getting sober and staying sober! So put on your big boy pants and get to cracking on how to get sober and run don't walk to the detox and take this stuff serious. You can do it and it is all a process and eventually you will feel better and find peace in things. But this is not a journey for the weak and or lazy because alcoholism no's no color, creed, religion, social status.

Be well
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby avaneesh912 » Thu Feb 18, 2016 4:40 am

Welcome to you.

This is the only place, where you will hear, we get it. We have a solution though to get out of it. Its up to you how much you want to draw from it.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby Hanna » Thu Feb 18, 2016 6:16 am

Glad you found us, each of us has been where you are now. The "jumping off place", it's where we can't stop drinking yet we know we can't go on drinking. I was there 3 years ago, I lost my job, my license and my husband and kids were ready to leave, my mortgage was 3 months overdue and the bank was sending letters threatening forclosure. I continued to drink to numb myself, I was too overwhelmed to do anything else, until I woke up one morning at the "jumping off place". I couldn't go on yet I couldn't stop.
I found this site and asked for help. The kind people here offered their experience, strength and hope. For the first time I stayed and listened. The first thing I was asked to do was to put off that next drink just for now, I could always have it later. I kept busy reading stories on this site to get past the next urge. I was told "if you take a drink things will only get worse, but if you don't you will sort this out". I was shocked to discover that I needed medical help to detox, I had been drinking so much for so long that my body now needed the alcohol, what had I done to myself??? I got medical attention, some pills to ease the detox and prevent seizures, if I had any doubts that I was an alcoholic they were gone.
I kept coming back, I learned about the steps, very simple, yet they helped me to save my own life. I eventually started going to meetings, met people I wish I had met years ago! I find alcoholics to be among the nicest people on earth! Stick with us, we will be here to help you on your way to getting your life back, you just have to want it. There is a copy of the Big Book of AA on this site as well as on the internet, when I read the Doctors Opinion at the very begining of the book, it was the first time I understood why I drank the way I did and I was not alone, that chapter answered a lot of questions I didn't even know I had, it seemed to describe me and my drinking to a tee.
I never thought I would be able to stop drinking, I thought the AA program was going to be too hard, I was wrong. I never took another drink after waking up that moring at "my jumping off place". The steps and the people of AA helped me to find my way back to my life. It's been 3 1/2 years now and I am sober and happy, I never thought I would feel happy again, I have my family's love and respect back, my mortage is paid, I have my license back after losing it for 2 yrs,and I have a new job. None of this would have been possible had I taken that next drink.
Keep coming back, we'll be here~
Hanna
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby OnPoint » Thu Feb 18, 2016 10:23 am

Linux wrote:I don't have the willpower. I'm utterly defeated. I have no pride left.
If you decide to try AA you will discover that we all started at the point you describe. What we find is that sobriety has nothing to do with willpower. Alcoholics drink because we need to drink, even when we know that the results are bad. AA is a program for discovering and getting rid of the reasons that we need to drink. AA is like juggling. You can't learn to juggle by simply reading a book, you have to practice throwing balls into the air until it begins to feel natural. Similarly, you can't be successful in AA by studying it, you have to jump in and do it. AA is not a thing you know, it is a thing you do.
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby PaigeB » Thu Feb 18, 2016 2:21 pm

I don't know what else to do. I'm not ready to die. I need help.

AA for you - http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources call them or just show up!
Help for her - http://al-anon.info/MeetingSearch/Al-An ... anguage=EN

This is an action program and my first action was to reach for the phone and talk to another alcoholic who helped me get to a meeting. I haven't had a drink since.

Alanon is for the family and friends of alcoholics. You do not need to be sober or in the program for her to get help from them.

Now is the only time we have. This very minute of this very day. The entire Fellowship has been where you are and look at us now! Happy productive people all over the world, free of slavery to alcohol. Make the call.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby ezdzit247 » Thu Feb 18, 2016 2:43 pm

Linux wrote:....I know I'll be told to go to a meeting. And I know I'll probably ignore it. I don't have the willpower. I'm utterly defeated. I have no pride left. If somebody would perhaps talk to me on the phone I would appreciate it. I don't know what else to do. I'm not ready to die. I need help.

Thanks for listening.


Hi Linux and welcome.

So glad you found us and made the decision to ask for help.

AA has local helpline in Houston and if you call the number listed, the switchboard operator will connect with a local male AA member to talk to about your drinking problem. Please make the call and let us know how that worked out for you,

Keep coming back.....
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby Chelle » Thu Feb 18, 2016 4:21 pm

Hi Linux, glad you are here.

You said you are desperate, and for me that is what it took to walk through the doors of AA. I was ready to do what ever they said. You said if you even had 1% chance of getting better..get to a meeting and just listen. Your percentage rate will increase dramatically! It works..it really does.
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby Spirit Flower » Thu Feb 18, 2016 5:05 pm

I live outside Houston. We have many great meetings all around. EZ said how to get in touch. Just mention to one of the men that you are new and they will help.
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby D'oh » Thu Feb 18, 2016 7:06 pm

Hi Linux. Glad you reached out! Even if you don't follow through NOW, it is a start.

It sounds that you are at a pretty intense Bottom, but Alcohol is still the only answer that comes to your mind. I can tell you (from experience) that there is another way. And yes it does involve Meetings and others inflicted with the illness of Alcoholism.

So the way I see it is that you have 1 of 2 choices. Continue on and loose more (wife, house, life) or honestly try a few meetings. I bet that if you stay in the program, the day will come that look back at where you are right now, and be grateful that you typed what you have typed here.
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby Linux » Fri Feb 19, 2016 12:48 am

Thank you all for your kind responses.

It's cathartic to hear people say they've recovered from this nightmare. Hope is something I lost a long time ago and I felt a twinge of it reading your replies.

Thanks again. I'll make the call.
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby Robert R » Fri Feb 19, 2016 12:56 am

Linux wrote:Thank you all for your kind responses.

It's cathartic to hear people say they've recovered from this nightmare. Hope is something I lost a long time ago and I felt a twinge of it reading your replies.

Thanks again. I'll make the call.


:D :D :D Thank you for bringing a smile to this craggy old scotsmans face this morning. Let us know how the call goes please.
Don't know exactly where I am going but I'm on my way and it's already much better than where I've been.
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Re: My current calamity.

Postby Linux » Fri Feb 19, 2016 3:25 am

I googled around at four o'clock in the morning just now and found a twenty-four hour hotline. I called it expecting no answer.

In spite of my expectation a fellow answered on the third ring. It was obvious I had awoken him. He is a volunteer, I suppose. Probably has to be at work in a few hours. Yet he still took the call.

He asked me if I could wait a moment and I heard him stumbling away from something. Probably his bedroom where his wife was asleep. I immediately apologized and told him I could call back at a more reasonable hour but he cleared his throat and told me to please stand by and wait just a moment.

When he was available to speak he asked me why I had called and I wept. Crying doesn't come easy to me. I have cried maybe twice in the past twenty years. But I immediately began to do so. He was kind and thoughtful and listened to me tell the same story I told here. I apologized half a dozen times for waking him up and he said he was happy he could could wake up a second time in the morning knowing he'd taken a call from somebody who had been through what he'd been through.

I must have sounded like a bawling idiot but never felt judged as a result. I told him my name, he spoke it, and I told him that even though I may never speak to him again that he had helped me.

I just needed to hear somebody's voice tell me there was a chance I could get through this and this person sacrificed his own sleep and comfort to do so.

It's an amazing thing. I don't even know what his name is.

I wouldn't have made this call without the responses on this forum.

I'm not optimistic. But that's a real thing that happened. And it's more of a thing that I've experienced in quite some time.

Again, thanks for listening.
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