Day #1

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Day #1

Postby edwardn » Thu Apr 02, 2015 11:55 am

Hi To all
I was in AA years ago for about 5 years sober then drifted away and started drinking again not long after that and have been drinking again for about ten years... 99% of the time drinking I didnt really have any problems but its the 1% of the times I do that are causing me serious problems, including last night which almost cost me my job this morning...it was a new bottom for me which left me feeling ashamed of myself so I decided this morning I have to change my life and ways of thinking and living, I am an alcoholic and one drink is one to many, I am powerless over anything and especially booze... I need to find my old friend ( higher power ) to once again to lift the burden of my short comings off my shoulders and help me face each and every day sober because I cannot do it alone... I work in foreign countries so going to meetings is impossible but when I return home on breaks I will definitely be occupying a seat in the first AA meeting I can find, until then I will be taking in online meetings when ever I can.

My name is Ed and I am an alcoholic
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Re: Day #1

Postby PaigeB » Thu Apr 02, 2015 12:17 pm

I drifted away once too... I was out for 17 years. This time I came back and made a decision to work the Steps of this program. I now have a little over 5 years without a drink - free from the obsession to drink.

I never had it so good. Not that all is rosy - but I can cope without a drink, thrive without a drink!

Glad you made it back. Get busy in AA... stay in the middle of the herd. Keep coming here... I did and it changed my life!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Day #1

Postby edwardn » Thu Apr 02, 2015 12:45 pm

Thanks for your reply, I remember my days sober way back when and how good it felt knowing I didnt need to drink, the 10 year slip brought me to where I am today and I dont feel good about it at all but that said I cant live in the past but I cant forget it either... I havent drank at home for 15 years but I make up for it while away working for a few months at a time but it finally caught up to me yesterday, I am fortunate that I still have my job but it may be time to start looking for something else at home so I can attend meetings regularly... I had a hard time the first time in AA believing in a power greater than myself and maybe I really never accepted that and is the reason I went back drinking, I know I'm an alcoholic and have proved that to myself over and over but was not able to stop drinking up until the point in life I am at now, no one is forcing me back to AA except my own desire to get help and live sober once again, I just dont like the mean, miserable, know it all person I have become.
Regards
Edd
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Re: Day #1

Postby edwardn » Thu Apr 02, 2015 5:55 pm

I am glad today is almost over and I am grateful I didnt have to drink, I havent prayed in years but I will tonight before bed and tomorrow morning for the help I need to get through another day.
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Re: Day #1

Postby PaigeB » Thu Apr 02, 2015 9:40 pm

Pray to whatever is Higher Than You today. Maybe today that is just AA, where you KNOW millions have gotten and stayed sober. Tomorrow is a new day... and we all get the same 24 hours at a time. Keep coming back!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Day #1

Postby desypete » Fri Apr 03, 2015 12:55 am

hi
your story i have a thousand times in aa people drift off like they do and one day end up drinking again but ending up in much worse trouble than before

i did it myself when i was just 23 i went into aa and got super sober, i spent 3 years going around telling everyone how wonderful sober living is and i meant it at the time etc, then i got bored with aa, i could get on with life fine without aa and without a drink so i cut the meetings down to just 1 a week and then cut them out all together

15 years later i picked up the drink again, 8 years on from picking up that first drink i ended up with nothing left, the job had long gone, the money had gone, family gone, you have been lucky so far if your like me as you havent lost your job yet, but if your anything like me you will carry on until you do lose the job, at least if you lose the job you might be able to have more time to get to aa ? but i would hope you can see the warning signs early enough to take some action to protect yourself from ending up in dire straights, its to late after the event, its too late saying if only i did this

if your like me an alcoholic then there is only one way out or at least there was only 1 way out for me that is. if i can find things that will keep me away from aa and other alcoholics, then for me i know from past experience where it will lead me,and also from all the many people who come to aa and go away then come back again if there lucky. i have never heard anyone say they left aa and came back again with a good story to tell

hope you can find your way over to a meeting and get to work my friend, you should remember the drill, from getting a sponsor, doing the program, and keeping in constant touch with our own kind. i think we are born loners, will not let help in, to proud to give in whatever the excuse there are to many of us who dont drink and havent drank for numbers of years that prove this thing works.

just hope you dont pop in here in a years time telling us all you have lost that job this time ?

anyway good luck to you keep coming back no matter what as one day a penny might really drop or someone might just say the right thing your ready to hear
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Re: Day #1

Postby edwardn » Fri Apr 03, 2015 9:39 am

Thanks PaigeB and Desypete, just having contact with you all has made a big difference... Funny thing is my old sponsor came to visit me last x-mas when I was at home, I hadnt seen him for years and we had a good talk and when he asked me if I was drinking I said yes but was handling it...hahaha and now fast forward 3 months and Im a train wreck. I wont be heading home for another 5-6 weeks so until then I will contact him through emails and take it from there, im looking forward to getting back to meetings. I spent yesterday listening to speakers on YT and another fellow going through the first 3 steps in an online Back to Basics meeting and this evening I'll watch his 4 5 6 step meeting and so on and just do what I can to stay sober for now, even white knuckle if thats what it takes. Desypete I can relate to what you wrote and even seen the warning signs coming and told myself so but it didnt stop me from picking up the drink until I did what I feared I was going to do, so I guess that is just what it took to bring me back... asking for help has always been a issue for me but going it alone sure hasnt panned out well so its time to put away the pride/ ego, selfish, poor me attitude and pray to my higher power for guidance and to other people like me for support. Ive been working overseas for over a decade now and that was my #1 excuse to start drinking again because happens here stays here so I could get away with it and I did for a long time but in time everything catches up to you especially if you are a drunk, but it doesnt matter where you go on the planet the sun still casts your same shadow on the ground, you are still the same person with the same problems even if you dont realize it or want to realize it and now with the internet there are no excuses not to stay in and work the program unless a person wants to live in a fantasy world for as long as it lasts and thats pretty much what I have been doing since leaving AA. So Im back now on day 2 and doing it for me, not for my boss or for my job or my wife or home or anything else... I do not like the angry drunken person I became, my problem is me and thinking I can handle anything thrown my way and maybe I can for awhile, but its what I throw back and why things were thrown at me in the first place that brought me to where I am today, if this makes any sense.
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Re: Day #1

Postby PaigeB » Fri Apr 03, 2015 11:32 am

just having contact with you all has made a big difference

I think that is why we all come here... even years later we remain the bright spot in each other's lives. Just talking to a fella last night who has 15 years in sobriety. He wandered away for a while and when his wife asked for a divorce he dragged himself back in, scared & terminally unique. But he hung around and he didn't get drunk. He was chairing his homegroup meeting, a meeting I go to once in a while. He was able to say that no matter what was happening around him in the world (now divorced but still vexed by custody issues) he knew he could come to a meeting for love and loving support... We don't have an answers, but we have a solution to the drink problem and to the thinking problem we have as alcoholics.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Day #1

Postby edwardn » Fri Apr 03, 2015 12:10 pm

"We don't have an answers, but we have a solution to the drink problem and to the thinking problem we have as alcoholics." so true... Its been 2 days now and I am still feeling the physical effects of my last bender but I know from experience that by tomorrow or the next day I'll feel great again and thats the dangerous time for me because although my body is feeling better the grey matter between my ears is still very sick... fear and remorse may keep me sober for awhile but it is not the solution...
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Re: Day #1

Postby PaigeB » Fri Apr 03, 2015 12:27 pm

Feeling good IS just as dangerous as feeling awful!! My brain will ALWAYS talk me into drinking if I let it! It is said that alcoholism is the only disease that makes you think you don't have a disease! It truly is cunning and baffling and powerful!

You will find AA in most corners of the earth. You can search "AA>zip code or city" and it may bring you right to a District or Area website. Here are some countries outside of the US that the AA General Service Office links to, but there may be more.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources/world/1
You can make this site a favorite on your phone or computer. The aa.org site has literature and books and other resources that can help you "make contact" anywhere anytime! And of course, you already found the best online resource with e-aa! We have a Men's Forum and love chat meetings and a section for Our Stories to read! We even have a 12 Step committee that helps via email and an online sponsorship program so look around here - keep reaching out! http://www.e-aa.org/
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: Day #1

Postby avaneesh912 » Fri Apr 03, 2015 12:39 pm

for me because although my body is feeling better the grey matter between my ears is still very sick.


Thats why the book says when we overcome the spiritual malady we straighten out mentally and physically.

What that means is that we are no longer restless, irritable, discontented, struggling with relationshiop, not feeling self-pity...blah blah..... therefore we don't obsess about alcohol anymore and so we don't take that dreaded 1st drink and therefore we don't have to worry about the physical craving....its a design for living after being rocketed into the 4th dimension of living.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Day #1

Postby edwardn » Sat Apr 04, 2015 6:50 am

Im feeling pretty good physically this morning but these feelings of anger and resentment keep popping up in my mind, I asked my HP to take them away because I cannot deal with that S*** anymore and my solution to drink the thoughts away didn’t work out to well... the weird thing is Its not as if I don’t like these people but because I do, It is because I feel they are incompetent in doing their jobs... that said they have kept me working when so many others have been sitting at home waiting for a job so why should I be angry or resent anything... its really strange how my way of thinking has twisted reality around into a fantasy to suit or feed my ego and selfish thoughts, I prayed for all of them this morning.

Postby PaigeB
Feeling good IS just as dangerous as feeling awful!! My brain will ALWAYS talk me into drinking if I let it! It is said that alcoholism is the only disease that makes you think you don't have a disease! It truly is cunning and baffling and powerful!
Thanks Paige, I read your reply yesterday before going to a bbq out in the desert where people were drinking all around me, they offered me a drink but I declined... that said there was a flicker of a thought in my mind that told me I could just drink one but sanity told me otherwise... your post is definitely what I needed to read yesterday and thanks for the links, I will check them out.

Postby avaneesh912

Thats why the book says when we overcome the spiritual malady we straighten out mentally and physically.

What that means is that we are no longer restless, irritable, discontented, struggling with relationshiop, not feeling self-pity...blah blah..... therefore we don't obsess about alcohol anymore and so we don't take that dreaded 1st drink and therefore we don't have to worry about the physical craving....its a design for living after being rocketed into the 4th dimension of living.

Thank you Avaneesh, your words and especially " dreaded 1st drink " also came to me yesterday when I needed them the most.

Cheers
Edd
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Re: Day #1

Postby PaigeB » Sat Apr 04, 2015 7:14 am

Good to hear from you this morning. You have a good thing going with your contacting this website regularly... you can do the same with your HP when the negative thinking comes! It is just fantasy anyway ~ only a tiny bit of it is reality so think of something else! Go see if the library in the town closest to you has a Big Book and a 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. If not contact the local District Public Information Committee or get back to me here and I will help you help them!

This might fill a few moments of time when you thinking is too much on you! The BB says that "intense work with another alcoholic never will (fail us)". I hope you find an opportunity to do that work today!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: Day #1

Postby edwardn » Sat Apr 04, 2015 8:02 am

Good to hear from you to Paige

At the moment this web site is my only life line, I even go back and re read my own posts to remind myself of how twisted my thoughts have become and the pickle I put myself in from that.. Im kinda in the middle of nowhere in northern Mexico in a town just big enough for 3 bootleggers so there isnt much else here, I am sure there are other drunks in town but I also know from an experience not to long ago there are also people who tried to extort money and threatened to kid nap me if not paid so I try to fly under the radar as much as possible while here as to not stick out like a sore thumb...haha. I have found There is a Solution online and have been reading that along with listening to speakers on YT but I really miss my Big Book thats been collecting dust in my garage at home for the past decade... I'll have to do a little searching for it when I get there but im pretty sure I know where i hid it. In the coming days I will do more searching on this site as I would like to find online meetings and more importantly figure out how to participate.
Cheers
Edd
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Re: Day #1

Postby avaneesh912 » Sat Apr 04, 2015 8:20 am

Edwardn,
So real. We totally understand the obsession, the queer mental twist, thats one of the reasons, I will never ask a newcomer to "not to take a drink and go to meetings". I will just say "try not to take a drink". Its all about your higher power working for you. I see that you have sincere desire to recover, keep doing what you are doing. You said you need to search for the book, in the mean time you can use the online edition of the BB at http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous.

There are also some great workshops that helped me decipher the hidden messages in the book. Xa-speakers has some great ones. I used them all the time in my earnly days of recovery. Because where I sobered up there were 45 meetings a week but one couple were dedicated for BB and that too were sparsely attended. No power in them. I am so glad I awakened in this age of internet. Otherwise I would be like the other person who went to meetings for 3 years yet not found the solution.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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