I'm new

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Lizard2014
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I'm new

Post by Lizard2014 » Sun Dec 07, 2014 9:14 am

Hi, my name is Liz. I have a problem and I need help. I've known for some time that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol but I've always thought I could change, that the last time would be the last...but then I'd find myself in yet another situation where I had too much, wake up with an extreme sense of shame and self loathing. And it happened again on Friday night. The more i think about my actions (those that i can remember) i hate myself even more. I feel like I am a bad person and a complete failure at life.

My husband puts up with me and loves me very much (which almost makes it worse bc I feel like I don't deserve him) but I've gone too far and unless I want to lose him something drastic needs to happen. I cant keep going on like this. I need to change and I don't think I can do it alone...so hi and thanks for being here.

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PaigeB
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Re: I'm new

Post by PaigeB » Sun Dec 07, 2014 10:10 am

Hi Liz. My hubby stayed with me too. Sometimes I remembered what happened when I drank other times I did not. He seldom said too much. I think he knew more than I did about just how enslaved I was to the booze... how I built my life around it. But still I had to be sick & tired of being sick & tired before I was able to go to an AA meeting and find a treatment for this disease (dis-ease) I had. In AA we treat it one day at a time and I didn't really understand that, but I ask you - Can you stay sober, just for today?

Get to a meeting of AA and see if you think it is something you would like to do again tomorrow and so on. I haven't found it necessary to take a drink since August 1, 2009 ~ I know I could have never done it without AA. Now I am happy to help the new gal anyway that I can. It is the only way I can repay what those women did for me.

Let me know if you want me to help you find AA in your hometown. But be sure you look around e-aa. We have a good thing going here! We also have live chat meetings, email meetings and a women's forum. http://www.e-aa.org/forum/viewforum.php?f=58

I am sure that others will be along here to post. Be quick to recognize the similarities and let go of the differences. The great obsession of every alcoholic is the desire to control AND enjoy his drinking. See page 30 of our Big Book. You can read it in pdf format here
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/aa-liter ... -anonymous

Keep coming back. This works if you work it.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Niagara
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Re: I'm new

Post by Niagara » Sun Dec 07, 2014 10:16 am

Hi and welcome Liz

I too suffered from shame and self loathing at the beginning - and I always thought that I could stop too. Tried a few times, but always ended up drinking again sooner or later, and each time it got worse, never better.

If you google AA big book online, there's a version you can start reading straight away. The first few chapters gave me a lot of insight into alcoholism and helped me to decide whether or not I was an alcoholic, and the rest is how we can get better from this illness. Never cured, always in recovery, just one day at a time.

Thankfully I no longer have that self loathing and shame - the 12 steps that make up the program of AA helped with that, and my life has never been better.....it really does work.

I'm 5 months sober, and my life has turned around so very much, in such a short space of time, that I still find myself amazed and wonder how I actually got here. 5 months ago, I was suicidal and at the end of my rope.

There are likely to be AA face to face meetings in your area too. I was terrified of going to these, but I really needn't have been, and they've been important to my recovery. At the beginning, especially, I got a lot of identification from people sharing their stories and experiences.

Well done on making the decision to do something about this - it's not an easy step to take, by any means.

Keep coming back :)
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month -
Theodore Roosevelt

2granddaughters

Re: I'm new

Post by 2granddaughters » Sun Dec 07, 2014 11:06 am

liz:
We aren't allowed to post links here but please Google and read "AA HOW IT WORKS" and "AA PROMISES".

Don't beat yourself up too much, you sound like a garden variety alcoholic like millions of us and there is a treatment. AA

Like many of us too .. you will find AA in the "last house on the street". We find AA after we have exhausted all other options. :wink:

All the best.

Bob R

kenyal
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Re: I'm new

Post by kenyal » Sun Dec 07, 2014 11:29 am

Lizard2014 wrote:I've known for some time that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol but I've always thought I could change, that the last time would be the last...but then I'd find myself in yet another situation where I had too much, wake up with an extreme sense of shame and self loathing. I cant keep going on like this. I need to change and I don't think I can do it alone.
Welcome Liz, you've outlined this condition very well. It continues through these guilt moments and goes on to the next unless we take what seems like drastic action. You know from experience the shame and self-loathing passes after a bit and it's easy enough to sell ourselves that we're going to do better with yet another ironclad and irreversible decision to do that, which after a while we know inside will fail just as easily as all the others made earlier.

Most alcoholics go through their life like this, as alcoholism is a lifelong bane. Remaining sober for the rest of your life will require more and continuing inconvenience than most alcoholics are willing to put up with. You get to decide if you'd like to take the one day at a time path or not. If not, then what you've experienced is what you'll experience further until you've reached the point of change.

Neither is a boatride...one is light years better than the other, imo. You're responsible for the choice you make for yourself, and it's effects on those who care about you.

Lizard2014
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Re: I'm new

Post by Lizard2014 » Sun Dec 07, 2014 2:33 pm

I'm finding it very scary to admit to having a problem and am terrified of failure - of letting myself and my husband down, again, as I have in the past. When I got in after my night out he seemed unsurprised to hear that I'd got drunk and couldn't remember things, other than the fact that I just knew I'd behaved badly and Inappropriately, for a married woman in particular. He told me he was disappointed in me and that cut straight through me. When I was single I acted the same way when drunk, but then it only hurt me, and I naively assumed I'd magically change after getting married. I guess there's no magic to it...

Thank you for welcoming me. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone.

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avaneesh912
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Re: I'm new

Post by avaneesh912 » Sun Dec 07, 2014 2:49 pm

I'm finding it very scary to admit to having a problem and am terrified of failure - of letting myself and my husband down, again, as I have in the past
Actually surrendering like we do in AA, is the best thing that could happen for anyone. It puts us in a place we are receptive for a solution and thats where the rest of the 12 steps come into play. Its a design for living like the book says. We all have gone through this but today we are all able, useful citzens of the world. Please dig around and take a deep dive. You will get well and we all will help you get there.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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ann2
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Re: I'm new

Post by ann2 » Sun Dec 07, 2014 3:19 pm

Welcome, Liz :) You're not alone. That fact hit me in a good way at my first AA meeting. I hope you go to one soon to experience the feeling of understanding and belonging that I found in AA.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

Stepchild
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Re: I'm new

Post by Stepchild » Sun Dec 07, 2014 5:48 pm

Lizard2014 wrote:I'm finding it very scary to admit to having a problem and am terrified of failure.
You just described the greatest fear I had coming into this....Failure was all I knew. The people in AA carried me through that fear....You are definetly not alone. Welcome aboard.

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PaigeB
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Re: I'm new

Post by PaigeB » Sun Dec 07, 2014 10:38 pm

Bill said this about FEAR (from my memory)
Handling fear has two aspects. First we shall have to find the least amount of fear possible and then, with grace and dignity, face the rest.

Finding the least amount of fear for me means getting down to reality... like "they will not beat me with sticks if I disappoint someone." Then I take a deep breath and walk into a meeting and say "Hello".

He also says, "We will either handle it well or badly. Such as the case may be." I guess Bill did not put a lot of stock into getting the results he wanted. He had a lot of faith that things would be ok no matter what happened.

:) Keep coming back ~ don't quit before the miracle.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

Lizard2014
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Re: I'm new

Post by Lizard2014 » Mon Dec 08, 2014 1:33 am

How do you forgive yourself? My husband is being so understanding and yet I can't get over this feeling of despair and self loathing. I'm disgusted by myself and the awful things I am clearly capable of doing when drunk...

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Niagara
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Re: I'm new

Post by Niagara » Mon Dec 08, 2014 3:00 am

That came for me with the process of doing the steps. It was a gradual thing, gained by insight into my behaviours, and realizing that I was able to change them. The alcohol itself was just a symptom. The real problem is me and it's myself that I have to work on.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
These are the promises given by AA - when I first came here a few months ago, I thought 'not bloomin likely'...but you know what, they are true. It was a gradual process, and is still ongoing for me. I hope it always will be.

All of those things in the promises can be true for you too, with a little work.

Have you found a face to face meeting yet?

Best wishes x
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month -
Theodore Roosevelt

Stepchild
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Re: I'm new

Post by Stepchild » Mon Dec 08, 2014 6:00 am

Lizard2014 wrote:How do you forgive yourself? My husband is being so understanding and yet I can't get over this feeling of despair and self loathing. I'm disgusted by myself and the awful things I am clearly capable of doing when drunk...
Seeing that other people shared these same thoughts and recovered from this illness we share....Was all the proof I needed. Then I had to be willing to do whatever it took to make it work...For myself...That meant anything....Whatever was suggested....I was willing. I had no other options. What are you willing to do?...To have a new life. Pretty simple question.

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Roberth
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Re: I'm new

Post by Roberth » Mon Dec 08, 2014 10:29 am

Hello Lizard, I am Robert a Los Angeles area alcoholic. Welcome to E-AA. the good news is we all know just how you feel...the better news is you will never have to feel that way again. AA world services has a lot of literature online. it is listed the links section of this website.
Robert
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in pretty, well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming WOW What a ride!!!!

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PaigeB
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Re: I'm new

Post by PaigeB » Mon Dec 08, 2014 11:44 am

Lizard2014 wrote:How do you forgive yourself? My husband is being so understanding and yet I can't get over this feeling of despair and self loathing. I'm disgusted by myself and the awful things I am clearly capable of doing when drunk...
I do NOT need to forgive myself - I need to do my dangedest to remember exactly what it is that I do when I drink! We alkies have a way of forgetting that goes beyond a blackout. We say "It is not as bad as it was last time... OR If they hadn't done that, I wouldn't do this..."

No. We must be hard on ourselves and never on others. BUT you must be in reality. When fear drives me I make all sorts of overstatements to myself, "I am the worst human being ever!" Which is not the truth, but a fantasy designed to make me the BEST of the worst... All EGO designed to make me the best. I sure never would have thought it! So we are hard on ourselves in the way a shop owner would be hard on herself for not ordering enough bread. We take a searching and fearless inventory in Step 4. Based on that inventory we are able to identify changes we might want to make.

So I have to forgive myself for having a disease and other imaginary things. But the truth will set me free of all that stuff. What I had to do first was set my fear to the side and get to an AA meeting & meet some women who were like me - in all those ways (I was not the worst "yet" lol) - then pick one woman for my sponsor and get to work on the Steps. The Steps are where the recovery is!
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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