I don't like the person I've become

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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Westend » Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:36 am

Hi WakeUp, what you're describing is alcoholic obsession ..newcomers fret about future events where alcohol will be present. Birthdays, Christmas, social gatherings etc. if you can manage a day at a time there is no need to worry about "tomorrow's" after all you only need to focus on today.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby ann2 » Sun Sep 21, 2014 10:41 am

Welcome Westend :)
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby WakeUp » Mon Sep 29, 2014 2:58 pm

I don't know if this is poor form to keep bumping my own thread but I'm trying to be forthcoming about my progress or lack thereof. I'll be glad to stop if this is bad etiquette. I have no reason to be anything less than brutally honest with all of you, and appreciate all of the comments and suggestions whether I am actually using them or not (at least yet).

I'm feeling quite a bit out of control. Its as though I am sliding down an icy hill and just continuing to go faster and faster despite my meager attempts to slow or stop. I fully realize that this is destroying me and everything I value in my life, yet I don't stop. As a rational, logical thinker this is very troubling to me. I almost feel like I am going crazy by continuing this.

For a long time I've realized that I have a problem but have resolved to just slow down and moderate. Well as you guessed, that's not working. My young daughter yesterday told me that I always smell like beer. Talk about a kick in the gut. My wife is very unhappy with me because of my drinking. My work is suffering. My health is suffering. Yet I just keep going. I don't understand how this happened to me.

I seem to have the personality of going all in on things. And I guess I've done that with alcohol too. I think I need to accept the fact that I can go all in or all out. There is no middle ground for me. Kind of a hard pill to swallow. Anyway, just updating my progress for anyone interested in reading.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Brock » Mon Sep 29, 2014 4:51 pm

WakeUp wrote:
I seem to have the personality of going all in on things. And I guess I've done that with alcohol too. I think I need to accept the fact that I can go all in or all out. There is no middle ground for me.


This trait may seem like a liability now, when you do decide to join us it will be an asset, going all in works great with AA.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby ann2 » Mon Sep 29, 2014 10:25 pm

Thanks for posting. We want to hear from you! What you describe is why I got here. I couldn't stop on my own. I call that alcoholism. There are other symptoms as well, which I've explored in taking step 1, but the most obvious, and oftentimes hardest to identify, is the inability to control one's drinking.

Once I'd faced up to that, the natural follow-up was seeking help. AA has given all the help I wanted and more :)

Ann
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Stepchild » Tue Sep 30, 2014 5:27 am

Don't worry about bumping your thread....It's a good sign you are taking an honest look at this problem, It's the one's that don't bump their threads that worry me. I have a question for you....Have you read any of the book? Alcoholics Anonymous?...Also called the Big Book. That's where I learned what alcoholism is....And that I suffered from it. You say some things that could be right out of it...Like this.

WakeUp wrote: I'm feeling quite a bit out of control. Its as though I am sliding down an icy hill and just continuing to go faster and faster despite my meager attempts to slow or stop. I fully realize that this is destroying me and everything I value in my life, yet I don't stop. As a rational, logical thinker this is very troubling to me. I almost feel like I am going crazy by continuing this.
For a long time I've realized that I have a problem but have resolved to just slow down and moderate. Well as you guessed, that's not working.


They say this...

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
Pg 25


You say this...

I seem to have the personality of going all in on things. And I guess I've done that with alcohol too. I think I need to accept the fact that I can go all in or all out. There is no middle ground for me.


They say this...

If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.
pgs 25 - 26


The description of the alcoholic is in a section at the beginning called The Doctor's Opinion and the first three chapters...Pages 1 through 43. Give it a read and see if you can identify with any of it. When I read it...And read it again.....I thought they wrote the book about me.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby WakeUp » Tue Sep 30, 2014 10:29 am

Thanks, I did read it, probably close to 2 years ago(?) but honestly didn't do anything more than read it and think about what I read and what I was doing. It was probably a much more passive endeavor than it needs to be in order to result in meaningful change.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Mike O » Tue Sep 30, 2014 10:39 am

How about working the steps? If you feel like you need help, you can apply online for a temporary sponsor, here:

http://www.e-aa.org/form_sponsors.php
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby WakeUp » Tue Sep 30, 2014 11:27 am

Mike, I have not yet begun working the steps. As for a temporary sponsor, I am still drinking and from what I've seen on here, that means I am not ready to start thinking about the sponsor stage. Sounds like re-reading the book and starting to work the steps is where I need to focus first.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Stepchild » Tue Sep 30, 2014 12:00 pm

WakeUp wrote:Mike, I have not yet begun working the steps. As for a temporary sponsor, I am still drinking and from what I've seen on here, that means I am not ready to start thinking about the sponsor stage. Sounds like re-reading the book and starting to work the steps is where I need to focus first.


I can totally relate to that Wakeup....If I wasn't thoroughly convinced I was alcoholic....That book wasn't going to make a lot of sense to me....While I was still convinced I could beat this on my own....Or at least control it.....I never bothered reading it. They talk about getting to that point in the book....

Besides a seeming inability to accept much on faith, we often found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice. Many of us have been so touchy that even casual reference to spiritual things made us bristle with antagonism. This sort of thinking had to be abandoned. Though some of us resisted, we found no great difficulty in casting aside such feelings. Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness. Sometimes this was a tedious process; we hope no one else will be prejudiced for as long as some of us were.


That's what it took for me....I was beaten by alcohol to the point I was openminded and willing...To try anything. It damn near killed me. You know what really surprised me about the whole deal...Maybe others can comment on this....Was how fast I got progressively worse....Amazing....I had absolutely no control once I started to drink....And I had no control when that was going to be. That's a scarey place to be.

Those pages I gave you are devoted to step one. Chapter 4 is devoted to step 2. If you can read those pages and be convinced of this....from page 60...

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.


If you can be convinced of those three very important ideas....You've done the first two steps. It takes us..what it takes us to get there......But like they said....Alcohol can be a great persuader.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby ezdzit247 » Tue Sep 30, 2014 1:48 pm

Stepchild wrote:
WakeUp wrote:Mike, I have not yet begun working the steps. As for a temporary sponsor, I am still drinking and from what I've seen on here, that means I am not ready to start thinking about the sponsor stage. Sounds like re-reading the book and starting to work the steps is where I need to focus first.


I can totally relate to that Wakeup....If I wasn't thoroughly convinced I was alcoholic....That book wasn't going to make a lot of sense to me....While I was still convinced I could beat this on my own....Or at least control it.....I never bothered reading it. They talk about getting to that point in the book....

Besides a seeming inability to accept much on faith, we often found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice. Many of us have been so touchy that even casual reference to spiritual things made us bristle with antagonism. This sort of thinking had to be abandoned. Though some of us resisted, we found no great difficulty in casting aside such feelings. Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness. Sometimes this was a tedious process; we hope no one else will be prejudiced for as long as some of us were.


That's what it took for me....I was beaten by alcohol to the point I was openminded and willing...To try anything. It damn near killed me. You know what really surprised me about the whole deal...Maybe others can comment on this....Was how fast I got progressively worse....Amazing....I had absolutely no control once I started to drink....And I had no control when that was going to be. That's a scarey place to be.

Those pages I gave you are devoted to step one. Chapter 4 is devoted to step 2. If you can read those pages and be convinced of this....from page 60...

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.


If you can be convinced of those three very important ideas....You've done the first two steps. It takes us..what it takes us to get there......But like they said....Alcohol can be a great persuader.



Good post!

That AA slogan "It takes what it takes" was true for me, too. I had to be convinced I was powerless over alcohol before I could finally concede to my innermost self that I was indeed an alcoholic. Only booze could finally convince me of that fact....and it did.
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Stepchild » Tue Sep 30, 2014 2:11 pm

It kind of goes along with..."None of us got here on a winning streak."
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby kjay » Tue Sep 30, 2014 8:49 pm

WakeUp wrote:Mike, I have not yet begun working the steps. As for a temporary sponsor, I am still drinking and from what I've seen on here, that means I am not ready to start thinking about the sponsor stage. Sounds like re-reading the book and starting to work the steps is where I need to focus first.


What comes first? My early mentors would tell me this isn't a drinking program. I hardly beleive working the steps and reading the BB and still drinking is going to do any good. Then again, I've never tried it, or seen it done.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby BlackedOut » Sun Apr 17, 2016 6:38 am

I didn't know this was such and old post. The title of it attracted me because this is how I feel. I don't like who I became. I became everything I used to hate about other people. And I read recently that happens if we have not truly dealt with resentment and other things. I too am baffled by the fact that I used to be able to handle my alcohol but no longer can. Used to drink socially and now I can't. Because even if I don't get drunk and pissed off this time, maybe next week I will.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Glowe126 » Thu May 12, 2016 1:14 pm

All you have to do is keep going. Don't compare yourself to anyone else.
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