I don't like the person I've become

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I don't like the person I've become

Postby WakeUp » Mon May 12, 2014 7:15 am

I've been reading this forum for a few weeks and figured it was time for me to post. I am incredibly frustrated and discouraged and disappointed in myself. I used to be able to drink like everyone else, but I no longer can. I realize that if I continue on the path I am on I will likely lose everything that is important to me. Not to mention my health. What I really am most frustrated with is how I let myself become this way. It terrifies me to think of my kids thinking of me with the disappointment and contempt I think of myself with.

It's become painfully obvious that this cannot continue. I'm not exactly sure how to proceed and I recognize that most here will likely encourage me to attend meetings. I'm sure this will not be a popular response but I don't think that is in my immediate plan but I am not ruling anything out. I'd like to see if I can figure this out privately (or maybe anonymously is a better way to put it) so I thought I'd start here.

That said I welcome any suggestions. Thanks in advance.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Tosh » Mon May 12, 2014 7:33 am

Welcome to the forum, WakeUp. I note your reluctance to go to an A.A. meeting, which is fair enough; I didn't want to go either but in the end I didn't feel I had much choice in the matter. It was A.A. or continue drinking till life became so unbearable that suicide would be my solution.

I tried lots of other things too, like my doctor and alcohol counselling, moderating, hobbies, fitness, but I always ended up drinking alcoholically. It's good you're investigating your options - seriously - I wouldn't force A.A. on anyone because it doesn't seem to work that way. A friend of mine reckons A.A. isn't for every alkie, he reckons it's just for those who want it. There's also lots of other programs out there.

But seriously, if you find you're still drinking when you've made an honest attempt to stop, A.A. might be just the trick.

Regards

Tosh
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby shaunagus » Mon May 12, 2014 8:03 am

Hi Wakeup

The not liking yourself part...that resonates with me. I really hated who I had become. I hated being so dependant on a substance, hated the misery that comes with failing over and over and over and over again to stop drinking. I couldn't stop, I couldn't moderate and I couldn't even stop increasing how much I drank. Being so controlled is horrible.

I sort of hung around the back of AA meetings for a long time. I spent most of time thinking to myself how different I was to other alcoholics but eventually realised I needed meetings, a sponsor to take me through the steps etc.

I don't think many (any?) people come to AA as their preferred choice. It's always seems to be a when-all-else-fails-last resort approach. I think trying everything else first and then finally accepting AA helps with step one. And if you find something along the way that works instead maybe you won't ever need AA.

But I would suggest at least trying a meeting. At least then you have a better idea what you are choosing not to do, if you know what I mean.

Shaun
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Old Rocker » Mon May 12, 2014 9:33 am

Welcome.

I hope you find some people to talk with here. I like face to face meetings myself for the most part. It is a balance. It is nice to pop in online and get a moment of encouragement.

I felt it was time for a change. Went to meetings and found people that had made the changes I desired and learned from them about AA.

It can happen. Drinking need not keep you down. There is a way out. Try AA. It works for many people. It saved my life and restored many relationships.
Accepted the ABC's 01/04/95.
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Roberth » Mon May 12, 2014 9:45 am

What I really am most frustrated with is how I let myself become this way

Hello Wakeup and welcome to E-AA. I haven't met a person in AA yet who planned to lose control of their drinking. For reason not completely clear it is just something that happens to some of us. I don’t what will work you but I do know AA will not teach you how to drink non-alcoholically. What it will done is help us to live life without drinking. AA has worked for me for a long time. Then again I didn’t just go to meeting and not drink. They told be early on that if I was going to stay in AA I was going to have to do something to make the possible. They told me it wasn’t about the way thought but about the way acted. If I would start doing thing in different way I would start thinking in different way. they told me that I would never have to take another drink if I didn’t want too and even if I wanted to I wouldn’t have to if I was will to do a few simple things. Things like get sponsor, work the steps and work with other drunks. What they alsotaught me was that I was just one drink away for a drunk so I better stay 12 steps away from that drink. and I have now day one at a time for 8167 days. not to bad for a guy that thought AA wouldn't work for me
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Mike O » Mon May 12, 2014 10:55 am

Hi WakeUp,

Welcome to the forum.

A good place to begin, in fact the place I began, is with the book ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS aka The Big Book. It contains the 12 Step programme which helped me overcome my drinking problem. It tells you "how to do it" :D

You can buy a copy of the book online from Amazon, etc. But, in the meantime, there's a free copy online which you can begin to read, right here and now:

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Hanna » Mon May 12, 2014 5:19 pm

Hi Wakeup,
Welcome here, this is an excellent place to start. I agree, read the Big Book, the Doctor's Opinion was especially helpful in the beginning, it helped me understand why I drank the way I did.
2 years ago I hated the person I had become, since taking the steps and not drinking I have my self esteem back, I wish this for you too.
Don't let alcohol take any more away from you. If you drink things will only get worse, if you don't drink you will sort things out. Keep posting, we're all here to help each other.
Hanna
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby kjay » Mon May 12, 2014 8:33 pm

WakeUp wrote: I'm sure this will not be a popular response but I don't think that is in my immediate plan but I am not ruling anything out. I'd like to see if I can figure this out privately (or maybe anonymously is a better way to put it) so I thought I'd start here.

That said I welcome any suggestions. Thanks in advance.


Welcome, and congrates.

Actually, not wanting to go to meeting is a very popular response for AA newcomers. Only after being around awhile we have found that AA works within the fellowship, sharing each others experience strength and hope with each other.

Also, being private, or anonomous, is a popular feeling in this desease, and we often find that isolation is a dangerous place for us. You are not alone in these regards, and by reaching out you will find the easier, softer way to live a happy life sober. WakeUp.. If you want what we have, your giong to have to do what we do. keep coming back.
Live Easy But Think First
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Lali » Tue May 13, 2014 7:03 am

WakeUp wrote:I've been reading this forum for a few weeks and figured it was time for me to post. I am incredibly frustrated and discouraged and disappointed in myself. I used to be able to drink like everyone else, but I no longer can. I realize that if I continue on the path I am on I will likely lose everything that is important to me. Not to mention my health. What I really am most frustrated with is how I let myself become this way. It terrifies me to think of my kids thinking of me with the disappointment and contempt I think of myself with.

It's become painfully obvious that this cannot continue. I'm not exactly sure how to proceed and I recognize that most here will likely encourage me to attend meetings. I'm sure this will not be a popular response but I don't think that is in my immediate plan but I am not ruling anything out. I'd like to see if I can figure this out privately (or maybe anonymously is a better way to put it) so I thought I'd start here.

That said I welcome any suggestions. Thanks in advance.


Well, you have come here for suggestions but have already pooh poohed the obvious suggestion to go to some meetings. That is what you are going to hear in this AA forum. We suggest meetings, finding a sponsor in those meetings and starting to work the 12 steps. I don't know what to tell you other than that. That is what we do, WakeUp. I believe you may be looking for AA lite. That's in the meeting down the hall! :D But seriously, WakeUp, if you want the solution to the problems outlined in your post, then you will need to be willing to take our suggestions. People who look for an easier, softer way end up delaying their recovery and making their situations worse. Much worse. This disease is progressive.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Layne » Tue May 13, 2014 7:33 am

Hi WakeUp. Welcome, glad you are here. The title of this thread says that you don't like the person that you have become, remember that is the person that doesn't want you to go to meetings. So I would not listen much to their advice because they are the one that got you here in the first place :wink:

The program of AA is not meetings, it is the twelve steps contained in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Meetings will not keep a person sober and are not required nor necessary. Working the twelve steps will keep a person sober.

Could I have gotten sober without meetings? Absolutely not. Meetings kept me around people that had worked the twelve steps, long enough for me to get the point where I could work the twelve steps.

Without meetings I wouldn't be the person that I am today, and I like that person.

Give yourself a chance. Go to a meeting. Get a big book. Do the work.

You have gotten lots of advice so far, it is your choice which to take; that of the person you have become or that of the people on here that want to see you succeed.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby WakeUp » Tue May 13, 2014 7:49 am

Thanks for all of the replies. To be clear, I'm not ruling anything out. I realize that what I've been doing isn't working and clearly there are many on here who have figured out what works. I'm trying to keep an open mind and just find out what works. I've been in denial for a long time about the fact that I can learn to manage my drinking. I understand that for an alcoholic this is not possible. It's a bit overwhelming to think of the prospect of never having another drink in my life when it has been a big part of my life for the last 20 years or so. But I really want to be the best husband and father I can be, and continuing as I have is not getting me there. And I want to be around to see my kids grow up. Thanks again for the feedback and encouragement!
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Layne » Tue May 13, 2014 8:10 am

WakeUp wrote: It's a bit overwhelming to think of the prospect of never having another drink in my life when it has been a big part of my life for the last 20 years or so.

So don't think about that. Just think about not drinking today. Tomorrow you can decide what road you want to take for that particular day.

I can definitely relate to the difficulty of fathoming the prospect of never having another drink in my life. Alcohol was my best friend for a long time. I finally got to the point with my drinking where I couldn't imagine life either with or without alcohol. It is an ugly place.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby WakeUp » Tue May 13, 2014 9:00 am

I have a hard time wrapping my head around that concept (just don't drink today). I can handle not drinking today, but its tomorrow, or the next day, or the weekend coming up, etc. Maybe I just need to not overthink it all. The program obviously works, and I do recognize that on some level I want to convince myself that this either won't work for me or is not necessary for me. It's interesting to see how the brain plays games with rationalization and excuses.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Layne » Tue May 13, 2014 10:23 am

Been there. Done that. Didn't like it. Couldn't help myself though, I still did it.

When I first got here I didn't even really want to stop drinking, I just wanted to stop the crap that went with it, basically the way it made me feel about myself. I started drinking in the first place because it made me stop feeling the way I did about myself. I didn't hate myself, I knew I was a good person, but I obviously didn't hold myself in very high regard. I wanted to be everything that I didn't think I was. Phew... is that convoluted thinking or what?

Today I like where I am at which is all I ever wanted before I even picked up my first drink. It just took me a lot of detours to get here.
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Re: I don't like the person I've become

Postby Mike O » Tue May 13, 2014 11:12 am

WakeUp wrote:I have a hard time wrapping my head around that concept (just don't drink today). I can handle not drinking today, but its tomorrow, or the next day, or the weekend coming up, etc. Maybe I just need to not overthink it all. The program obviously works, and I do recognize that on some level I want to convince myself that this either won't work for me or is not necessary for me. It's interesting to see how the brain plays games with rationalization and excuses.


So, have you checked out the book I recommended above?
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